Like poor Kip Drordy, I have zero friends. I admit it … not friend one. The difference between Kip and me … I hate Facebook. Always have. In fact, the only reason I opened up a Facebook account five years ago was to find someone I never met who had moved to Africa. A doctor I was working with needed to contact a former patient, and the first and only thing I could think of was to try Facebook. Three minutes later I had located him.
But let me repeat … I hate Facebook. I’ve ignored people, both from my past and present, who’ve tried to ‘friend’ me. Not because I didn’t want to hear from them, but because I loathe Facebook so much that I could not … and cannot … bring myself to use it. In fact, when I tried to reopen my account last month (only because I wanted to enter a contest and win a million dollars), Facebook Goon informed me I was not only stricken from using it, but from opening a new account under the same email address. That’s right; Facebook Goon shut me down and wanted no part of me or my stinking email address ever again. Of course, all I had to do was open up a new account under a different email address, and so I did. (I really wanted that million dollars.)
Are there advantages to using Facebook? Of course. As I mentioned above, the only reason I was able to find someone who had moved to the other side of the Earth was because of Facebook. It’s also beneficial, I’ve been told, for promoting your business. (Though it seems to me like it takes an awful lot of time and money to get the word out with Facebook. It almost seems like hitting the pavement is more effective.)
Facebook is also good, I’ve heard, because users can play games on it. (Personally, I don’t get it. Is building your own virtual farm really so riveting?)
I’ve even heard of a group of women, ‘the Facebook Detectives,’ who formed an alliance through Facebook to find a dear friend who had gone missing years earlier. So, to their very valuable use of this social media tool, I concede.
Having said all that … I hate Facebook. Here are just a few reasons. One, I detest using the word ‘friend’ as a verb. Two, I find that it’s mostly a means for middle-aged infants to caterwaul and denigrate each other without the nuisance of having to face each other. Three, the world is better off not knowing your personal business. And, truth, you’re better off not telling them.
But the main reason I hate Facebook: It seems to be the gathering place of the universe’s narcissists. And, I grew up in the ’70s, the so-called ‘Me Generation,’ so I know narcissism. Little did we know what egomania we were in store for in just a few short decades. If most people used Facebook for such lofty purposes as the Facebook Detectives’ search, I would have no issue with it. The problem with Facebook is that it attracts vanity and then billows it into full-blown vainglory.
All right, obviously I will use Facebook if there’s a chance at being paid a million dollars. But that doesn’t change the fact that I hate Facebook and will not use it as social media. So why, you ask, am I playing Facebook’s advocate and saying it will never die? Simple. Because I want it to.