“Overly picky, slightly controlling, homosexual male who allows the self-consciousness of his physical features to sabotage any chance of a lasting relationship is looking for an absolutely perfect man to sweep him off his feet.”
This is what my personal ad would read if I were to have one. I’m not one to put himself out there, and when I do try, I end up running for the hills if it seems as though there is any real possibility of a serious relationship coming to fruition. It’s taken me many years to come to terms with this, but here it is people. I am afraid of commitment. It seems weird to say it out loud. Well, on paper. Because I really, really want commitment in my life. I ache for love, yet I push it away when it becomes a real possibility. I don’t understand myself sometimes. Though, I really am an idiot so it’s not hard to believe that this form of self-sabotage would take over my life.
Love is a complicated subject for me. I’ve never truly been in love, yet I have loved in my life. Then again, I’m in my twenties and I should probably just shut the fuck up. However, I do have some insight to this very illusive and slightly homicidal feeling we commonly refer to as “Love.”
I love a lot of things in life. I love Apple products, social media, friends, and my iPhone -which is an Apple product, I am aware. However, my iPhone is something that does not compare. I would kill a human being over my iPhone and there is no debating this issue.
I love people. Or at least I think I do. How do we know we know what love is, exactly? How is it that we know we love someone? If we’re feeling love for the first time, how do we know that is love? It’s a confusing concept to wrap your head around, if you think about it. Much like life and death, how do we know that love isn’t different for everyone? If it is, how is it that we can explain this sensation to others accurately?
Well we could start with the fact that all feelings, at their core, are chemical reactions in our brains and bodies so, in reality love truly does not exist. It’s our brains emitting certain hormones and chemicals. As a society, we’ve labeled these occurrences as “feelings.” When you feel that rush of adrenaline, that dizzy light-headedness, that euphoric feeling, that’s just your body drugging you with endorphins and serotonin, among other things.
What makes the idea of love a reality is the inability to explain with science, why certain people are a catalyst for these chemicals and hormones to be released in our bodies; why we have feelings of hate, towards some and feelings of euphoria towards others. There could very well be a scientific explanation for that as well but I’m an undereducated gay young adult writing a book as an excuse to avoid going back to college, so what the hell do I know? What I DO know, is that we cannot help when these feelings are produced and with whom they are produced for. That is a medical and spiritual mystery.
Getting back to my stunted emotions and inability to let people in, I never really knew if I loved my mother for quite some time in my life. I knew I said it to her, I knew I was supposed to. She was my mom! But I could not categorize what that feeling actually was and if I was feeling it. I was confused as to what I should be looking for when it came to loving people.
I was scared I was broken – or that I was going to turn out to be some whack job serial killer. I later realized that my fear of abandonment, my inability to trust and my daddy issues lead to this masking of my feelings, if you will. It was like an invisible wall was put up between me and the me that wanted to express all of these emotions I wasn’t having. I could see what I wanted to say. I could hear it in my head. But, what came out was entirely different. That’s why writing became so important to me. It’s the one place where I can say what I’m feeling and thinking without my tongue betraying me.
I do love my mom. I notice that when I can feel actual pain in my chest when I miss her after not seeing her in a while or when I see the look on her face after I realize that I’ve hurt her feelings and I feel guilt. I especially know I love her when I think about her dying. However, my emotions are so stunted that I can’t stop and tell her that I didn’t mean to hurt her or push her away. I can’t go back and tell her I was sorry. I have too much to be angry about in my life to let those words come out. I am literally speechless when it comes to opening up to my mother unless it’s in anger. So, mom, if you’re reading this, sorry I’m a douche.
Anger is one of the easiest emotions to feel. Even when you’re angry at someone else, you project your anger onto other people. It’s hard to control and it’s wickedly dangerous. I find myself getting angry at the smallest things when it comes to my family. I’m still so angry at many things that happened in my past. Growing up gay in my step father’s house was not easy. He made sure it wasn’t easy. The only feelings left to feel were anger, resentment, and frustration. I was so bitter all the time. And, I’ve noticed that I still am sometimes. When I’m away from him and that house, I can forget about it all and live my life happily. But, that house is always going to be the root of my pain. That house is a reflection of my stunted emotions. It’s the physiological reason for a lack of chemicals in my brain that allow emotions to freely express themselves.
I don’t know why we feel the way we do about certain things or people. I don’t know why our bodies respond in certain ways. I do know that those feelings have to do with Biology. I know that even though they are biological, something in our psychology as humans influences that. This speaks to a mind, body, spirit connection that some believe we have as human beings. Our influences, our beliefs, effect physical health in a way that hard science just can’t explain. I think this is the case in finding soul mates, dealing with psychotic pasts and working through stunted emotions.
I don’t believe we know enough about our emotions and feelings to determine whether they are legitimate or not. I think that a lot of the time it’s not really love. It’s our body tricking us into believing it is because that’s what the body does – it excretes hormones and chemicals to make us think, act, feel a certain way.
So the next time you break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or the next time you wake up one day and realize you’re no longer in love with your spouse, or you just can’t tell the people in your life exactly how you’re feeling, don’t be too hard on yourself. It’s not your fault. It’s just science.