True love, of the soulmate variety, is an amazing combination of passion, desire, honesty, integrity, respect, loyalty, and commitment that is uncommon. Not impossible, but uncommon. Dysfunction and abuse is not an aspect of true love but some people are raised with such a level of dysfunction and abuse in their families or a social acceptance of it that they have a difficult time comprehending that wholesome, healthy, genuine love exists. True love is not related to the age of the lovers or the religion of the lovers, true love is related to the way the lovers treat each other consistently over a lifetime. And just like every stone you find is not a diamond, every person that you meet is not your true love or soulmate. If you are questioning whether or not your love is real and genuine, here are 10 signs of true love.
Sign #1 – You can be totally 100% honest with each other.
You don’t have to lie about who you were before you met, who you are now, and who you want to become in the future and neither does your partner. You both can be honest about your family and relatives; you do not need to “spin” anything about your children or your relatives to put it in a better or worse light. Both of you are able to be honest about who your exes are as well as your present and past relationships with them. Complete honesty about your past and present associations, friends, activities, and whereabouts is natural and easy when your love is real.
Sign #2 – You are genuinely interested in each other as people.
A sign of true love is a relationship where both partners find each other mutually interesting. You both have sincere interests in the events, activities, experiences, and choices that created the partner that you love. Pivotal moments in your partner’s life are relevant to you and visa versa. Culture, upbringing, religion, education, desires, hopes, and dreams can be shared with ease with each other and mutual, not one-sided, interest is clearly apparent. It is typically very obvious whether a person is truly interested and engaged in a partner as a person or if the person is bored, annoyed, indifferent, or disinterested.
Sign #3 – You are sexually attracted to each other.
You are turned on and aroused by your partner’s appearance and personality. Your partner is turned on and around by your appearance and personality. The deep satisfying love of the soulmate kind has mutual sexual attraction, chemistry, friendship, and companionship that is natural, not forced, feigned, or imagined. Arranged marriages, marriages of convenience, marriages of circumstance, marriages of manipulation, and marriages of exchange (his income for her looks or his looks for her income) may lack sexual attractiveness, passion, and desire for one of the partners to the other or for both partners towards each other thus increasing the likelihood of adultery and divorce.
Sign #4 – You make the effort to maintain sexual attractiveness to each other.
Most people desire to be sexually attractive in the eyes of their lover and partner. Desire and determination are two different things though and a person who is “in love” with their partner will act on that desire. Desire says “I want to be sexy in my partner’s eyes” while determination says “I will be sexy in my partner’s eyes, I will do what it takes because I love my partner that much and my partner’s needs are important to me.” The way you take care of yourself not only speaks volumes about how you value yourself, it also speaks mega-volumes about how much you care about your partner’s needs, desires, and wants. This applies both ways, equally to men and women.
Sign #5 – You desire to please each other sexually.
You desire and make the effort to please and satisfy your partner sexually if you are in love. Likewise your partner will desire and make the effort to please and satisfy you sexually when there is real and genuine love in his or her heart for you. Women are able to have multiple orgasms – 2, 4, 8, even 12 or 20 – and men are often able to learn to lengthen their time before climaxing or climax twice. If you are in a monogamous relationship where you have agreed to forsake all others and you appreciate what a great commitment this is, then it would only be fair and natural that you and your partner desire to please each other and make the effort required to do so. (*A person should never be expected or forced to do something that is offensive or harmful sexually to please a partner, *Elective or voluntary celibacy by one partner after a marriage commitment has been made without prior discussion and agreement is often unfair and unreasonable to the unsuspecting partner)
Sign #6 – You know and respect each other’s values.
Respecting your partner’s values is a sign of love. In a relationship where the love is mutual, your partner also respects your values. Respecting a person’s values is a level of understanding that extends well beyond merely knowing his or her values. It is also beyond understanding his or her values. When two people are “in love” or they are in a soulmate relationship, each person is considerate of the other partner’s values. For example, if your partner needs 15 minutes of quiet time to reflect each day, then you might help to get the children in bed early or take them outside to play or create a space to allow your partner time to reflect. Real love inspires real actions that clearly show that a partner’s values are a priority to you and visa versa.
Sign #7 – You know and respect relationship boundaries that are important to each other.
You know that it is true love when you and your partner have taken the time to learn and understand the relationship boundaries that are important to each other and you both desire to respect and honor them. When the love is real, both partners actually “want to” respect the relationship boundaries and to do so in an “act of love” itself. Soulmates are passionate about knowing and respecting their partner’s relationship boundaries, it is voluntary not coerced or forced.
If a person is indifferent, neglectful, or rebellious towards relationship boundaries that are important to you, then this person is not “in love” with you. And if you are indifferent or rebellious towards the relationship boundaries that are important to your partner, then you are not “in love” with your partner. If you or your partner violates a serious relationship boundary like one regarding faithfulness, exclusivity, honesty, or integrity, there likely will be no relationship left and if salvaged, it is likely to never be the same.
Sign #8 – You understand the relationship needs and wants of each other and meet them for each other.
When couples “fall in love” they often both meet as many relationships needs and wants for their partners as possible to facilitate and encourage the bonding with each other that leads to the commitment phase of a relationship. Often when the relationship commitment becomes solidly established-maybe even taken for granted-then one or both partners stop doing all the things done to nourish the love and establish the commitment. This conservation of energy following the pair bonding and committing is a commonly accepted behavioral pattern, even to the point of being the center of marriage jokes, but if the love and passion is to remain red hot and to endure then the couple needs to continue to meet the primary needs commonly referred to as the primary love language of their partner.
When relationship needs are met partners are able to stay in love and stand a chance at naturally remaining committed and faithful to each other. The need to have relationship needs met has been likened to a person needing oxygen while relationship wants are not as critical to remaining in love, they are nice but not as important. If energy or time is limited, always meet the primary and core needs. Gary Chapman, relationship counselor, author of the 5 Love Language series, and the director of Marriage and Family Life Consultants categorize relationship needs into 5 easy to understand and remember categories: physical touch, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and gifts. Real love is evident when a couple learns the needs and wants of each other and is passionate about meeting them on a consistent basis.
Sign #9 – You have passion and desire for each other that is of an enduring quality.
True love is often obvious to onlookers, friends, and family. When a couple is in love and is genuinely compatible, the partners have a desire to appreciate, love, and please each other. Naturally mature and conscientious people may even describe their intimate partnership as effortless. The cumulative result of all of the above is a relationship filled with red hot passion and desire that is as strong as when the couple met that may grown even stronger and more passionate over time. It is rare but possible for a couple to have passion and desire when they meet, when they date, when they marry, when they have children, after they have children, when they become empty nesters, when they retire, and beyond the golden years.
Sign #10 – Your relationship creates synergy.
Synergy in a relationship is when the combined effect of the two partners is greater than the sum of the individual partners if they were not in a relationship with each other. True love is synergistic. It is also empowering for both partners not just one. “People who have satisfying relationships have been shown to happier, have fewer health problems, and live longer” according to Harvard Health. And there will be positive effects for their children and community as well.
True love exists. Expecting honesty, integrity, respect, passion, pleasure, and synergy from an intimate partnership might seem like a lot or even perfection but it is not. You cannot have true love with just anyone. True love takes a level of moral reasoning and maturity that is not defined or determined by age, social status, looks, humor, height, race, or other more or less superficial attributes. Getting a date and starting a relationship is easy, while finding true love takes insight, effort, and often times a lot of patience. Instant chemistry, having a baby, getting married, or moving in together are not necessarily signs of true love or real love, especially not if abuse, addictions, adultery, disrespect, violence, and other negative aspects are present or crop up in your relationship. Use these 10 signs as a starting point to determine if your love is real and worth continuing and as a guideline for determining if a relationship is worthy of being called true love.
“The 5 Love Languages” — Gary Chapman, Moody Publishers
“The Health Benefits of Strong Relationships from Harvard Women’s Health Watch” — Harvard Health Publications