My weight loss has been this up and down but still amazing journey. It wasn’t easy understanding everything I was going through and the why of it all. But, I learned the more I decided to face things head on, the more I was becoming the person I always wanted to be. One big step, was to face what my family and father were doing to me emotionally, and what it meant to my weight.
Making great strides in my weight loss didn’t happen with just diet and exercise. So, if those things aren’t working for you, you too need to go beyond them. It wasn’t until I had enough, was frustrated enough, and felt I wasn’t normal or like those people a diet book could help, did I look for something else. I needed answers. I needed help before my weight killed me.
Do I have some big weight loss secret to share? It’s not like that or about that. Are there things I learned and did to help me lose weight? Yes, of course. I adopted many new habits. My point is, weight loss is so much bigger and deeper than we know. This is why I’ve decided so early on in this series to write about my family and my father. Weight loss is more than a list of things to follow. It takes a lot of digging deep within ourselves, just as it takes many changes in our lives. Most people won’t keep the weight off, if they focus only on diet and exercise. It takes many things to be successful. I’m beyond belief, of the number of things it finally took for me to do, to finally lose weight. I had to turn my life upside down, to finally find success. I live a whole new lifestyle, in a whole new environment. I didn’t lose weight, until I figured this part out and accepted that weight loss is a deeper, larger, and lifelong process.
I tried everything to lose weight, and I invested many years trying to get it to happen. I thought weight loss was all about cutting back food. I tried years of starving, wondering why it never worked, and wondering why I was so hungry all the time. You would think, diet and exercise would be enough to lose weight, right? Wrong. I wondered why that combo never worked, and I figured it was because I wasn’t starving myself enough. So, that caused me to have this ongoing food battle. I’d starve, binge, and yo-yo in weight. It was a disgusting way to live.
I clearly didn’t know anything about losing weight. Year after year, the pounds went on and off, while my weight shot up and up. As much as I tried to stop it, I was becoming a bigger person. I was doing everything wrong, and my life was a big mess. I was dangerously overweight, severely depressed, and I started doing drastic things, in hopes of changing my weight.
Where does my family fit in with this? They were a large contributor to my weight. They couldn’t fulfill what I needed as a child, they didn’t know how I felt, and I was emotionally abused. I’ve had a lot of issues to work through over the last few years. My weight loss didn’t begin, until I realized, I needed to come up with ways to “give myself what I needed.” I needed to learn how to give myself the nurturing I never got. Why was I overeating? Why did I isolate myself from everyone? Why was I depressed? Why did I have suicidal thoughts? I was so unhappy and emotionally starved. I was trying to lose weight, without taking care of everything else affecting me. I had many things to figure out. Two things I learned, were the importance of dealing with my feelings and cleaning up my environment. These things, were contributing to my toxic life.
I had to come to terms, that my family was destroying me. My dad tore down my whole being. He was the reason I became an ugly fat person. I didn’t know how to cope with my surroundings, so I ate. I was eating to compensate for what I didn’t have in my life. I began overeating for the comfort it brought me, but eventually I was overeating to hurt myself. I was fat and ugly. I began to consciously eat more, because I was punishing myself, for being those things. I was those things and hated myself, and I wanted to make it worse. I felt I deserved worse. If food would have killed me, it was because I deserved it.
From my journal November 25, 2011:
Yesterday, Thanksgiving day, was a huge day for me. I couldn’t think of a better day to have a turning point in my life. I wrote yesterday, about my family, and how miserable my father made our lives. They made my life miserable together. With his being ill, it’s as if, he’s getting his due. Perhaps, this is justice. Standing up to him, and having my mother and brother stick up for me yesterday, has meant everything to me. Yesterday, I woke as an angry person. I went to bed last night, with a feeling of being free. I’m a new person since. They gave me the release I needed, to move on, after years of his verbal and emotional abuse.
My dad’s health has been declining over the last few weeks. Yesterday, he took a fall outside. I thought perhaps he’d end up back in the hospital, but he’s holding on for now. I argued with him Thanksgiving eve, and that was the night my mom and brother stood by me. On Thanksgiving day, they each had an argument with him of their own. I’d say, angers are running high. It’s not only me full of anger. About five minutes after my brother got mad and yelled at him for sneaking a cigarette, my dad fell. I joked with my brother later on, saying, “you almost killed dad.” I wasn’t talking to my father since we had words the night before. Now, neighbors were ringing the door bell, to notify us of his fall. Outside we went to tend to him. It was so indicative of how things have been as of late. He’s not able to be the bully anymore. This loud man, needs tending to. It’s so pathetic, to see this coward struggle.
He was ok after resting for a bit. As bad as the day started out, I still looked forward to celebrating. I love Halloween, all the way through New Year’s Day. I got my focus back onto what makes me happy, the joy of the holidays.
It was a Thanksgiving day to remember. A day for a major breakthrough. I’ve been feeling lately, I’m destined for change. I got my changes. When it came time to carve the turkey, I suggested my brother and I do it. It had always been my dads position. It wasn’t something I thought of ahead of time, it was something I said, spur of the moment. My father was hovering in the kitchen, waiting to carve, but I kept calling for my brother. I told my dad we wanted to do it this year. But, I also asked him if he wanted to do it, but I hoped he’d say no. I told him I wanted to do it. He said, “go ahead.” He left the kitchen. I am the new turkey carver. What a great day it turned out to be. Thanksgiving eve, was the start of change. Thanksgiving day, was a day for change.
I started thinking about my family more. So much has changed lately. It hasn’t come through understanding or willingness, but at least its finally come. I’m filled with excitement over change. My position within the family has never been acknowledged. All that I do for them, has never been appreciated. Though no one has said it, I’ve been the glue holding whatever this family has left together. Now, I see that more clearly than ever. It’s a wonderful time for me. The last two days, have empowered me. I feel stronger than ever. My family will never hurt me again. They will stand beside me, or they will stand alone. Either way, I will live my life as I see fit. I will go find my happiness.
These two days have been one of the greatest gifts of my life. Imagine being held back and tormented for a large portion of your life. All I wanted and begged God for, was to be free. Today, I’m finally free. From this day on out, they can no longer emotionally abuse me. This is a different type of strength. It’s not about what I’ve accomplished or done in my life, but about no one holding me back ever again. It’s about knowing what I will NOT allow of others in my life. I will decide on my own path, and who gets to be in on it. This is my one life, and someone already took years from me. No more.
– Weight Loss Series: Coming to Terms and Admitting Things – Day 2
– Weight Loss Series: Not Giving Up – Day 1
– Guide to Water Fasting for Weight Loss