A big difference in food control.
I was always hungry. I started to notice, the more I ate, the more I wanted to eat, and the more miserable I felt. I didn’t know how to eat normal. I knew my hunger wasn’t normal. My food turmoil, grew worse. I can’t even begin to explain or express what food was putting me through. It got so bad, I finally reached “my bottom,” where I knew if I didn’t do something, I was going to die. Food was the obsession of my life, and it was going to destroy me.
Do I think my relationship with food was a sickness? Yes, absolutely. When a person gets so fixated and needs so much control over something, and it rules us, I view that as a sickness. Anorexia and bulimia, they are sicknesses.
I was stuck in a pattern of doing myself harm and falling deeper into trouble, dying to be thin. I didn’t know how to eat, what to eat, or when to eat. I created a situation, where I couldn’t make food decisions anymore. And, food wasn’t safe around me either. I wouldn’t eat, till I was desperate to eat. I had this back and forth fight with food. I didn’t want it, but then I wanted it badly. I’d starve, then binge, then punish myself for it. There was no such thing as “just one,” or “a few,” when it came to food. One taste of what I considered a “disallowed food,” would set off an all out binge till that food was completely gone and everything else in sight, till I couldn’t eat anymore.
This went on for years, and got progressively worse. I was so disgusted with how I looked, it drove me to an eating disorder. I thought by starving, I’d look great. I kept believing, that if I didn’t get “starving right today,” it would work tomorrow, because it’s the easiest way to get thin. All I needed was to focus harder tomorrow, and I’d get quick results. All I wanted was quick results. The belief of quick weight loss, was what made my binges ok. It was always ok if I binged, because “starving is quite easy.” In theory, I thought it was easy, just don’t eat. It’s not as simple as that. Little did I know, it would never work. I wanted it to work though, and every time it didn’t, I’d get angrier at myself, stricter with myself and the food games, and I’d punish myself more. This destruction I was doing to myself was just about killing me.
I had to change or die. I had to teach myself how to eat. I had to learn almost everything about living my life all over again. I almost want to say, I had to retrain myself how to eat, but I honestly can’t say I ever had a normal relationship with food. I remember early on as a child, food bringing me comfort. Food gave me everything I didn’t feel, from anything or anyone else. This was something I had to work hard at changing. I needed comfort, soothing, and nurturing, but it couldn’t come from food or addictions anymore. I needed a new set of rules, beliefs, and ways to do things. I needed to find new ways to give myself everything I wasn’t getting in life, but was necessary for me to feel wonderful and good about myself.
I did learn how to eat again, as well as learn many other things. I’m in control of my eating, and I’ve learned how to make good food decisions. It took so much practice and getting used to, but today, it’s easy. I make good choices today, and I don’t get caught in situations or patterns, which set off binges. I eat many small meals per day, and I eat my favorite foods in moderation. Years ago, one chocolate bar was never enough, but today, one mini size Snickers satisfies me. This is the difference, when you give yourself permission to eat a little bit of something tasty. By eating a mini size chocolate, I’m not taking in enormous amounts of calories, and I know I can always have another one later on. It’s so easy to lose weight, once we lift our food restrictions.
Last night, I had dinner with my family. After dinner, my mom put out some provolone cheese, crackers, fruit, and chocolate. I’m from an Italian family, and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with any of those foods, or the “food celebration.” I love food. I love spending time eating good foods with them. Dinner was over, and I was satisfied. Mom puts this food out, and everyone starts asking me, if I want this and that. I just ate. I had enough. I burst out, saying, “later, I don’t want any now. I don’t eat like a fat person anymore.” The, “I don’t eat like a fat person anymore,” comment came, because my mom said, “it’s always later.” Yes, it’s always going to be later, if I just ate enough. I’m not going to be that person who just eats and eats and eats anymore. I gladly let that person go. And, I’m proud of what I said. I’m proud, that I’m not ashamed to open up about the truth of how my past was with food. I’m so proud of this “new me,” I’m going to say it like it is, with my family, friends, and you. I’ve been through disgustingness with food, I need to open up about that. I’ve held enough pain inside of me long enough. I’ve let go of that self-abuser I was, and my words, are my celebration of all I’ve accomplished. I’m not going down that road again. I can think for myself, make the best decisions, and no one can force me to eat if it’s not on my terms. I know how to eat now. I’ll never eat like a fat person again. When I say, “later,” it’s because I know how to eat and when to eat, and I’m making that decision for myself.
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