I have been on both sides of the “cheating on you” question. As tough as it is to admit, I have cheated on my previous wife. Then, as tough as it was to endure, I was cheated on by that same wife. I didn’t like either role, but they both taught me a lot.
Besides the physical actions a cheating partner goes through, the changes in attitude and the tell-tale symptoms of a “preoccupied” partner, there are at least a dozen self-incriminating phrases he will use against you, his unsuspecting partner. The first phrase used on me, and the one that should have opened my eyes right away, was “The Unity Candle doesn’t mean that, does it?”
This phrase is said back to you generally during a slight argument about you wanting to spend time with him rather than him spend all his time with his buddies. He has probably been out fishing every day, instead of taking care of the baby while you work, so you still have to pay daycare. Or he has his buddies over for a beer and pizza bash in the garage, while you sit inside with the kids. Or maybe he even makes you humble yourself by having you ask your already overworked sister, who has three kids of her own, to watch the baby while you work so he can putz around the yard and garage.
You probably said something like “We are supposed to be together! You are not supposed to be so worried about yourself, but about our needs as a couple! That’s what we meant when we did the Unity Candle.”
Your explanation of the Unity Candle brings reality crashing down on him. He stops, goes through an Awakening and stutters “The Unity Candle doesn’t mean that, does it?”
The first incentive for cheating is a trapped feeling. If your partner feels they have done something they cannot reverse they will feel trapped. They will feel as though they have nowhere to turn. They will begin trying to think of ways out of the trap. By challenging the Unity Candle your partner is questioning the validity of the vows you shared, the ceremonies you went through and the very celebration of the wedding itself.
This is your earliest sign you need to pay attention. Your partner, male or female, had as much fun at your wedding as you did. Being the center of attention was a real ego booster. He or she may have gotten every bit as emotional as you. There were tears, trembling, emotional eyes and truly heartfelt words and actions. But it was more for show and glamor, for the potentially cheating partner, than it was for sincerity and self-exposure.
You both went through the Unity Candle celebration by taking lit candles, one each, and lighting the one bigger candle in the middle. This was how you symbolically portrayed the creation of a brand new entity, the union of you and your partner. The candle in the middle is bigger because with the joining of you and your partner you have created one much stronger, more powerful identity than either one of you could be on your own.
After lighting the middle candle you, again symbolically, blow out your partner’s candle and he/she blows out yours. This is not the extinguishing of your individual identity; rather this is the signal to the world that you no longer hold yourself as the most important priority in your life. You now hold your union as the one highest priority. The celebration you have just shared is your outward proclamation to the world that you have become as one with each other. Individual and personal desires now take second place to the desires and needs of the union.
Getting married, going through the Unity Candle celebration, blowing out your own individual candles are all public signs that you want to “cleave” with this person you have selected. You want to become every bit as much a part of their life as you want them to become a part of your life.
When the partner who is already capable of cheating realizes they have publicly forsaken their individual needs and selfish desires for the sake of the blessed union they have just created, they feel a weight of responsibility. They may not be ready for the responsibility of one mate, one life and one shared desire. If they are not ready for the responsibility they are not ready for you; they were not prepared to give themselves entirely over to the new union.
The doubting partner will ponder the real meaning of the Unity Candle, they will remember their glorified single days and they will regret their decision. They know they enjoy being with you, they want to be with you, but they just do not want to be entirely with you. They are hungry for something from their single days. They need the freedom and the independence simply to survive day after day.
Any doubting of the Unity Candle, the wedding vows or anything in the wedding ceremony, is your very first sign of trouble coming; beware!