Governed by instinct and susceptible to smells, the dog is an animal predictably bred and unpredictably capable of doing things that can only make you say “Oh, that Dog.”
I grew up with dogs, and about a year ago, I adopted one as its sole care-taker. One year head-shaking, tail-wagging, and awe-inspiring moments has led me to compile this list of immutable truths that my dog abides by. Aptly named “The 43 Laws of Dog.”
The 43 Laws of Dog
1.) You shall lap your water, spilling as much as possible outside the circumference of the bowl.
2.) You will only speak when asked “Speak” or once you’ve learned speak and your owner tells you to “Roll Over.”
3.) Sweat is delicious, and you must do anything in your puppy power to lick it from the skin of your owner.
4.) After relieving yourself out-of-doors, repeatedly kick your back paws backward, spreading your scent for all to share – promoting your brand.
5.) Everyone will blame farts on you.
6.) Kitchen counters are paw and snout certified.
7.) If it squeaks, it MUST DIE.
8.) Two words: SQUIRREL!
9.) There is always something under the couch, and if your Master is looking under there, it’s your responsibility to at first help, and then get extremely paranoid that he’s found your bone stash.
10.) Getting some drool started while begging for food will increase your success rate exponentially.
11.) Cats are deadly assassins, keep your distance.
12.) Every bark must be answered by a bark of equal intensity (AKA Newton’s Second Paw).
13.) You can eat your leash. Disregard your owner’s wishes for you to do otherwise.
14.) Before engaging in play at the dog park, you must pee on every corner. If there are no corners, you must pee every 12-15 feet.
15.) Your Master is an angel. The vacuum cleaner is Satan. For some reason, your Master and Satan have reached some unspoken pact.
16.) Everything in the fridge tastes wonderful. Take my word for it.
17.) Once a bone leaves your owner’s hand, it’s yours. FOREVER.
18.) You can never tell a toy from an animal of prey, therefore you must shake it lifeless. After you’ve shaken it, you can then decide whether or not it was just a gym sock.
19.) The toilet is a bottomless well of refreshing spring water.
20.) Never turn down a ride. Cars can take you anywhere.
21.) Children are too miniature to be trusted. Always exercise caution around the little ones.
22.) No nibbling of the face… or other sensitive areas on a human.
23.) Dirt is meant to be dug.
24.) Bones are meant to be buried… and chewed… and hoarded.
25.) When meeting a new dog, sniff his/her butt, and then his/her crotch. Reading dog tags is just busy-work.
26.) Don’t forget to nibble your coat with just your tiny front teeth.
27.) Outdoor pools of water are fun to swim and roll around in. But bath tubs are haunted by poltergeists.
28.) Once in a while, check out what’s on TV. Your Master will get a kick out of it.
29.) Learn how to hold a bone upright with your paws.
30.) Check your pee-mail on every walk. There won’t always be a butt to sniff. And you never want to be an outsider to the inside scoop.
31.) Circle an area no less than four times before laying on it.
32.) Not having a sense of time is what separates us from the Apes.
33.) Although you hate it, “rolling over” yields a mountain of tasty treats.
34.) You must investigate every strange sound. You must also know that every sound is strange.
35.) Your food can smell like anything, but still taste like cardboard. It’s one of the divine mysteries.
36.) Only lick your butt when your owner is not looking.
37.) Your collar is fair game when it’s off your neck.
38.) You’ll never reach top speed on a wooden floor.
39.) 2/3 of your life is a photo-op.
40.) No matter how many kibbles you have eaten, you can always wolf down unlimited treats.
41.) Wherever you are, whomever you’re around, expect to get petted.
42.) Tilt your head when you don’t understand what’s being said.
43.) Humans have one bed, you have at least 20.
And there’s my 43 canine codes of law. I’m sure you’ve witnessed most of them, and I hope it made you either fill with pride over your pooch, or shake your head and say “Oh, that Dog.”