My name is Chiara Smith, I am 18 years old. I am in undergraduate college student at BMCC. I am going to tell you why i tried to commit suicide and how I am still struggling till this day. I will inform you the reasons that made me want to commit suicide. Many people wonder why do people commit suicide and their life can’t be that bad. I now know the reasons why people kill themselves and i have experienced many downfalls.
When i was about 10 years old i was sexually harassed by a guy that i knew. I didn’t understand what was going on so i just followed him. This experience changed me forever because till this day i feel like i have become more sexual to people i know and i feel like i have to do sexual things. All throughout my life i have been sexually harassed, forced to do sexual things by guys and girls. When i was 13 i got sexually harassed by a guy twice. the first time he touched me and the second time he showed me his private part. I was in shocked when that happened to me and i never told any one. I finally told but i feel that I am distorted by that experience so I try to forget about it.
I tried to commit suicide when i was about 15. I took two children’s vitamins even though i was only suppose to take one. I felt like no one was with me and no body liked me. I also felt like I was ugly. I thought i was going to die but i didn’t, it just messed up my stomach. Many people commited suicide because there at a point where theres no hope and nobody can fix what they went through, going through or are going to experience. I felt that way but i realized that I can’t let situations get to me and i have to just move on.
As my sexual harassment streak continues last year, i was sexually harassed again. I know I’m pretty and i know I’m attractive but its like every where i go i get sexually harassed. So I’m on the train going home and the train is packed. Im standing by the door because I always stand there. As I’m listening to my music, a guy in front of me gets really close to me, I literally was on the door squished. Im thinking in my mind theres no space thats why he’s on me. A few minutes later he starts moving on my sweater. I still don’t pay attention because I’m use to getting hit on the train. A few seconds later he starts grinding on my hand which was in my sweater pocket. At first I was in shock then I was thinking where to go because the stop that comes next took 2 minutes to get there. So I try to look at his face but, I couldn’t see him. All I knew was, he had a suit, that is why till this day when i see a guy with a suit on the train i get scared a little. The next stop finally came and I moved so quickly and he got off so quickly, everything was a big blur.
There are many more things that happened to me after that experience. There are so much more things that happened to that I can’t even tell them all. I am still struggling with focusing on bigger and important things in my life. I know i can’t change what happened to me but I just want to forget. Many people I know don’t understand what I’m going through but I just hope I don’t let my emotions get in the way of my life. Everyday is a struggle and I want to say if your going through something you should talk to someone. I’ve talked to people and it really helped me dull the pain.