Suicide is a word that isn’t spoken out loud too often for fear of judgment. The thing is, It’s crossed more minds in a lifetime than we want to admit. I’ll be the one to speak out loud. Here are some of my deepest thoughts on suicide.
This article came about after a conversation with my kids yesterday. Those of you who have read my articles know that I have unconventional parenting skills. I believe in total honesty and openness with my children and it’s paid off big time! They’re amazing! We were talking about judging people and how it hurts, that words are never forgotten and can cut deeper than physical wounds. I, of course had to share one of my famous family stories and what it did to me. My son always psycho analyses me with Freudian expertise and in depth conversation while my daughter soaks it all in. She looked up at me yesterday; only with her eyes and said “mom, I’m surprised you never.” She stopped. I responded, “Committed suicide? I know, the two of you saved me.”
We keep thoughts of suicide so locked up. How can we ever teach those we care about, how to deal with it if we don’t talk about this taboo subject early in life and open the door to communication?
I remember the first time I told my dad I was scared of the things I was thinking about. Suicide. He looked through me with angry eyes and told me he never wanted to here me say that again! I dropped the subject and looked out the window. My God! The man even made me feel bad about thinking of suicide! I had to do something NOW or I would have gone through with it. I joined the military. It was my savior and gave me something else to think about for a while. You see, suicidal thoughts aren’t something that just go away. It’s a severe side effect of depression and depression untreated sits dormant. My time in the military made me feel worthwhile and an asset to this world.
My main trigger found It’s way back into my life when I got married and started a family. That trigger was my family. It never dawned on me that my own parents were what fueled my suicidal thoughts. Sure, I blamed them for many silly things over the years but the thoughts of taking your own life are very different. I was scared of everything I did or didn’t do. I became so insecure over the years that I knew I wouldn’t succeed in anything. My thoughts of suicide were like a revolving door. They came and went constantly.
I started taking antidepressants after my son was diagnosed with autism. His diagnosis catapulted me into scary waters. It took a number of different brands until I found the one that worked for me. They may be a band aide in some circles but I’ve tried going off of them over the years and no matter how well things are going the feelings come back when I attempt to ween myself from them. An antidepressant in exchange for my life is a small price to pay.
What finally brought me peace of mind was writing off everything that had to do with my past. I know it sounds severe but I was at that point! It was the most important piece of information that years of therapy gave me. I wrote off my friends, family and belongings that brought back memories that triggered suicidal thoughts. It was hard the first year. I only had myself to depend on but that was a big part of what I needed. I’d been hiding inside myself for a lifetime. As I healed, I became the mother I yearned to be and the children I’m raising are a reflection of what every child should have. They have the building blocks and I am always there for guidance. Children need to have the freedom to find their own inner strength and self worth though, away from negative influences that bulldoze those building blocks and set up shop inside of you. Life is so beautiful and if I would have ended mine I would have missed out on all of this! This great big beautiful world with my two amazing children in it!