I wish I could say my experiences have made me a cautious and cynical person. Therefore, I do not want to subject another human being to the cruelness that engulfs the world. Or perhaps I’m choosing to remain childless because I don’t want to risk molding the child wrong and they become the next real life Norman Bates.
What sounds good is that because of my inherent cultural disposition of being an African American lesbian, it would be wrong of me to want to raise a child in my overly sensitive world. But that’s not the case, it’s because I’m selfish.
My deployment to Mosul, Iraq, while in the army, changed my perspective about life. I probably would be a pharmacist living for someone else (my children), instead of everyday living for myself. As Beyonce says,” I woke up like this”–smiling because I’m childless, happy, and free to follow the wind in any direction.
I finally feel mentally and financially mature enough to handle the role of being a mother. But because I’m also mature enough to understand my personality and character traits, I’m choosing not to be a parent. I enjoy the fact that when I awake, I am free to take impromptu trips just because I can. I like to spend all of my money to rebuild my net worth again. It may sound crazy, but being low on funds helps me to keep a certain perspective. I understand myself enough to know that I need to go on random riverside retreats to clear my mind, so I can write. There are times when I don’t care how others feel and am not in the mood to coddle anyone. Don’t get me wrong, I love children. My nephew and I have a blast at his sports competitions and playing wrestling every time I walk into a room. It brings me joy to hear him thoughtfully explain how I can stand in as Santa Clause because the hired actor cancelled #weightissues. I just don’t feel like entertaining him all the time; having to find mostly healthy food for him, or being on set schedule, so he will have structure in his life. Thinking about it right now makes me want to bolt. So I will cut this short.
Kids will not be a thing of my past when I am sixty/seventy years old. But, a life that I owned that was not revolved around someone else will be.