The wounds in my heart pour the purest blood and it drips down my face in the form of tears. I have given more than I have ever been given, I have gave until it hurts and then gave more.
The scars I bear in my heart are sometimes more than I can bear. The pain I feel inside of me I can only cover for so long, and then the truth comes to the surface. And then I’m left with no place to hide from the pain that rips through my heart and leaves me breathless with the sorrow of it.
I feel so lost inside like I’ll never be found again, like I’m that little girl again wishing for one brief moment in time that someone cared if I was alive or dead.
The hurt inside of me tears at my soul day by day night by night and I pray that God will take it away cause he says in his word that he want put more on us than we can bear. But sometimes I wonder how much more I can take? Its a question I will never find the answer for this side of heaven. It feels like I’m dieing inside one day at a time, and the silence that surrounds me it’s slowly killing the humanity that was once inside of me.
I feel like screaming into the night asking God why he is doing this to me? Why this pain has to be mine to bear alone. Wondering why he has left me to face this burden alone and hurting? So many questions flow through my mind as I sit here typing this down. I wonder how much more pain and suffering I have to face all on my own and all alone. If I were to release my tears they would never stop and soon I would be drowning in my own tears. My hurt scaring me so deep that nothing or no one can ever make it better, and its like no one this side of heaven cares.
I feel like I’m alone in this world with no where to turn or anyone I can count on to be there just for me. God seems to be the only one I can count on in this hell hole called a world. But its nothing new I have faced this hell for most of my life. Its like my whole life has been spent alone trying to find just one person to share my hurt with. But that is never going to happen not in my life time. Perhaps this is the life God set for me to live I don’t know but I wished he would at least give me some answers to why? Right now I feel like the sorrow of the world is on my shoulders and the weight is crushing the life & soul out of me.
I just want to run so far that I’ll never be found again, I just want it to be over. I don’t want to live any longer in this screwed up world! Where people are cold as ice and don’t give a damn whether I’m dead or alive. I’m tired of caring and trying to help it seems as tho I have wasted my time and efforts. I just want this all to stop I want it to be over I don’t want to be here anymore I’m tired of living my life in vain. All I do is try to help others only to be used and abused or hurt. Like I need another scar in my heart & soul to make me wished to God that I was dead.
This harrowing pain I have come to know oh so well and it is sheer torture, the pain and hurt more than I can bear. I am breaking and no one see’s it but me, its as tho they are blind to my pain, or they don’t want to see. And I’m not sure which it is and at this point nor do I care. I’m just tired of hurting and being hurt by those I love and trust. Some days I wished I could speak the words and silence them or make them feel what I’m feeling.