When you are raised by someone else and not your biological mother, the questions always run through your mind. Their presence is especially felt when it would have been greatly appreciated such as the teenage years, your wedding day and the days that following you becoming a parent yourself.
Some questions that I went though were:
- What is she like? – There are times when you wonder if some of your personality traits came from her. Was she the kind and loving parent that you have become? I understand that people make choices that may be necessary at the time. You can forgive them to improve yourself.
- What are her favorite things? Are the things that you enjoy prevalent in her life? The foods you like, the dress style, and the activities that you can’t do without. You can’t help but to question if your likes and dislikes came from her.
- Where is she? What happened? Why is she not here? – You continually question yourself about the reasons, the circumstances, did she not want you, were you not good enough. These are often the worst times to get through. These are the times when you question your own worth and your character.
- Is she a good person? Am I anything like her? Do we have anything in common? – When the questions subside for a moment on your self-worth, you wonder what you have in common with her. You question whether or not you should start a family for fear that you may wind up in the same situation.
- Why didn’t she love me? – The most important question that you can ever have. It goes back to what happened. You wonder if you can begin to love yourself if someone else couldn’t.
You have so many questions and no one can answer them for you except her. You have nowhere to go to seek those answers. Time has lost the answers and she is no longer here to talk to, to look at, to find the answers that you have sought for so long.
You spend years searching and find nothing, so still your questions go unanswered till one day you get a hint of where to start looking and you get your hopes up once again that maybe just maybe this time you will have your answers, you will finally find her. The woman brought you into the world and gave you life. The reality of finding her after her passing robs you once again. You pray every day that God will bring some closure to it all and being you peace. How do you mourn the “Mother” you never knew, How do you grieve that kind of loss, do you cry for “what could have been?” You look to the heavens and ask God why? As you begin the life you should have accepted long ago without questions, the struggles slowly fade away. Your life is what you have made of it and you can set aside the problems that you cannot own. You can now make the choices you need to and own only what belongs to you.