Chris comes around from a seizure and looks at me like I’m a stranger-but worse than that, like he thinks I’m going to hurt him. And I know we’re in for a long night. It takes the better part of an hour to convince him that I won’t hurt him even though I know that he will be sleeping very lightly, on edge and listening for any sound at all that may come from me or the rest of the apartment. For days he is on edge and unable to relax. Instead he hides himself in the TV when I’m home and the computer when I’m at work. As time goes by he usually begins to remember friends from his past. Most often, however, his memories of me, our relationship and even his family are far harder to recover for some reason.
I would be lying if I said this wasn’t hard for me. All of it’s hard, but when he’s so distant and seems to be remembering everybody else, it’s so hard. And when his memory loss lasts over an extended period of time can cause a huge strain on us. At those times we’re really not us anymore. It’s me trying desperately to bring him back, and him trying so hard to remember, remembering nothing of us, instead remembering other people. Naturally that brings about it’s own set of issues. On my side, all I can do is tell him about us, and otherwise help him to relax and show him the woman he fell in love with. After about a week it becomes apparent that he’s not coming back to me any time soon. The hardest part for me is allowing myself to treat us like when we were first dating, and let him see ME, not the stressed out me. When in a situation like this, it is the hardest thing to do. Emotionally, you’re basically at a place of mourning what you’ve lost, yet that mindset is the worst for the other person. The only way you will really get them back is by just letting go and putting it all in God’s hands.
Chris and I have gone through this on far too many occasions. At times he comes back to me slowly after a few days. Other times, it takes months of work for him and I to get back to a place where we are happy again and he starts to remember. The thing is, we always get back there eventually.