I met her…….
I had just joined a women’s softball team. I know, it sounds so cliche. Women, softball, lesbian. Well, believe it or not, most us, are not gay. We are just athletes. And a lot of us look like women.
Happiness couldn’t describe how excited I was to play softball again at my ripe old age or 41. My kids were getting older, I was feeling down and out, I wanted to be a part of something again, outside of my 4 kids and soon to be ex husband. He’s a good guy, by the way, we’re still good friends.
Playing sports as a young girl honestly included some of the best times of my life. Not to mention the life lessons I’ve accumulated while doing so. And apparently, those lessons continued.
I remember exactly where she was when I introduced myself to her. I had met the other women at the previous game and then I saw her sitting on the bleachers, tying her cleats and talking with a friend. I didn’t recognize her, but I surely noticed her. Noticed? I still giggle like a school girl thinking about the first thoughts that went through my head early on. I walked up to her, said hello, and told her my name. And, well, she told me hers, but I don’t think she was quite as enthusiastic as I. That didn’t stop me. Off to short stop I went.
During that first game, I watched her at bat. I watched her get her glove. I watched her re tie her cleats. I watched her chat with friends. WHAT am I doing??
Im pretty sure my husband at the time, was just as thrilled and excited to hear about how much I enjoyed playing ball again. He had enough of my sulking and mid life drama and was genuinely happy to see me happy.
As I lay in bed that night, Im dreamily drifting off to sleep when I am startled by the thoughts of HER. Yikes, What am I doing? I’ve never had an excitable libido. My ex husband can attest to that. So…. thats not the cause of how those thoughts of her entered my mind. Hmm…..Ill just enjoy it, and off to sleep I went.
The entire 4 month season played out the same. I stared at her, I followed her around, unknowingly of course, I came home to tell my husband how much fun Im having, then dream of her beautiful, soft, warm body laying next to mine. I was beyond confused. I didn’t know what to make of it. Up until this point in my life, I have never fantasized about another women. I’ve never dated a women, nor have I ever had a one night stand with a woman.
None the less, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I just wanted to be near her. Touch her. Run my fingers through her thick, silky, blonde hair. She had the prettiest smile. Her eyes were so bright. I had butterflies in my stomach thinking about her……and yes, I desperately wanted to kiss her.
I had to tell her. What am I doing. No, I have to. No, you don’t. Yes, I do. Yes. Yes I do.
This is how I knew those feelings were real. She was on my mind during every situation I was in. Good, bad, indifferent. I knew, at that very moment, that I wished I could share that moment with her. I was never the type to take risks. Especially if there was a chance I would come out looking ridiculous. But I was driven to tell her how I felt. Completely and utterly driven to tell her.
And so I did.
I took a chance. I didn’t he even know if she was gay or not gay, or married, or a weirdo. But I took a chance. I didn’t care if the feeling was reciprocal. I HAD to tell her. We were sitting in her car. I had texted her earlier that day for a ride to drop off my car and she agreed. I had told her no one else was available and I was so sorry to call on her. But she said yes, without hesitation.
It was a warm summer evening. It was the perfect opportunity. We were alone. I was a nervous wreck. So, out came this……..So, how about I buy you a drink for a thank you for the ride? I desperately needed a drink to relax myself. I needed this to come out in normal, educated speech.
We agreed to stop at a local pub for a few drinks. As we sat at the bar, I knew this was the night I had to tell her. I stared at her as she spoke and filled me in on her life. I couldn’t get close enough to her, I couldn’t stop looking her and I wanted so badly to touch her. Shortly after that, we walked back to her car, she raised her hand to put the key in the ignition. Thats when a calmness came over me and I reached my hand out and touched her arm…..wait. I have something to tell you.
We shared our first kiss that night. I felt so close to her at that moment. I had been longing for that kiss all summer. And It was worth the wait.
We’ve been together almost 10 months. I adore her. I miss her when we aren’t together. I am enthralled with her when we are together. I don’t know anything to compare it too. Stephanie Mills, you nailed it for me. I never knew love like this before. And its amazing.
I’ve known love. I’ve know an intimate love with a man. A wonderful, caring, man. I’ve known the deep, adoring love I have for the children I brought into this world and have watched grow into beautiful people. And now, I’ve known the captivating, passionate love with a woman. So, what does that say about me? Am I gay? Or am I just lucky enough to have known love during the various phases of my life.