In my years of coaching men to success and happiness with their dating and sex lives, I have consistently encountered something that all of my clients have had in common, and in fact I am yet to encounter a single person that does not harbour this darker side.
I have learned that to connect or help people in any emotional capacity I must see deeply and clearly inside them, looking for and caring about the side of themselves they do not. This is a skill we all possess, but how many of us use it?
Would we use it more if we knew how beneficial if could be?
We all have an amazing capacity for joy, love, attraction, lust, sexual expression, fantasy and lot, lot more. We identify with this, embrace it and celebrate it in others. We are happy for others, we celebrate weddings, engagements, relationships being formed and new partners being met, but we what we forget is that, to know how good these things feel we must have contrasting experiences.
We all have weaknesses, fears, suffer pain, traumas and go through emotional discomfort when it comes to relationships. Some of ours are easy to identify. Some of ours are hidden so deeply they are invisible to even us.
What would it mean to you if you could clear them out forever?
Become free from emotional distress and happier than you could ever think possible.
Sounds too good to be true right?
We, in the struggles of daily life forget balance. We do not recognize that these too can become our greatest tools for development in our relationships. We ignore the responsibility to sadness, despair, loss and grief.
I’m pretty sure at some point in your life you would have heard someone say:
“Don’t worry, breaking up with X is probably a blessing in disguise”
“Every cloud has a silver lining, you’ll see”
“It’s for the best that we don’t see each other”
Usually, they are right! These statements usually make sense afterwards and we suddenly find ourselves re-framing loss and sadness in excitement and a new found lust for experience.
When we mourn, feel loss, suffer sadness and feel lost and people feel sympathy for us. They do not revel in joy for us, but they should, these are the experiences that contrast the good. Without these emotions we would never know the greatness of something other.
Sadness, despair, loss, trauma and grief are all extensions,
of the feelings that we have the capacity for. They are our emotional pain responses that guide
us to growth and change, improvement and the expansion of our emotional capacity.
These are the things that allow us to live a fantastic life and feel amazing, but we run away from them.
Through experience we can know each other.
How can we know the partners we are with deeply if we conceal the deepest part of ourselves negatively? We’re all hiding something, were all afraid to expose ourselves in some way.
Hiding it does us no good.
Accepting our dark sides emotionally will do us the same benefit as accepting our dark sides sexually, and we all know how liberating and exciting that can be.
So I say cast off the bondage of the shame of exposing ourselves for our weaknesses and sadnesses, and strap on the bondage in other places, if you know what I mean…
Let your dark side out and let it become a positive in your life. When you do this work, every area of you life increases positively, we know that the balance is struck when we feel the joy of self expression in the bedroom and out.
Through balancing these experiences and dealing with them, we become the person people look for, we become emotionally attractive and truly available for other people, to be present and with them deeply.
When I started my training courses I had already had the pleasure of experiencing this at a young age and I knew how important it was to teach this, to embrace the things inside us we cannot accept, the things we distract ourselves from, to embrace pain and feel it one hundred percent.
Let it tell you what needs to happen, let it guide you.
This is a part of you, and to detach from it will lead to your detachment from becoming the beautiful well rounded emotional being you can be.
In these states we become desirable to people through growth, progressive movement towards becoming the most compassionate we can be, being emotionally available through empathy for others and a deep care for those we can love, care for and be with sexually.
Sadly, most of us simply try to get over it and ignore it on some level.
Historically and traditionally we have not dealt with this correctly as a species.
This is known as our shadow. Our chronic unprocessed emotional traumas.
Our health is connected to our emotions, these feelings are toxic to our minds and our minds are connected to our bodies, every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
This side of us is literately making us sick and can be the root cause all kinds of illnesses and hassle in our lives. Imagine a life of limitless potential, health, freedom and happiness.
Through embracing my fears, personal struggles and trauma, and by taking responsibility for them emotionally and dealing with them, I am liberated, I have become caring and compassionate and I feel other people in a way unknown to me before.
Only now I realize that I already had what I was looking for. I realize that if I had dealt with what I had experienced I would have naturally became that which I desired.
It’s all too common these days to hear peoples struggles in relationships, how the people we are with are complicated, needy, jealous, possessive and a multitude of other negative traits.
Imagine if you will a world where this did not exist.
That world could be yours. The power to become the naturally emotionally attractive person that other’s crave is in your hands.
What would you change if you could go back?
What would you stop?
What would you try and prevent?
Unfortunately we cannot go back, but luckily we have a choice.
Grow, develop, expand and live fully.
Or slowly move towards your goals hindered and weighed down with the burdens of the past.
Which one do you want? What do you choose?
So if you are ready to live the life you deserve, here are my top 5 little known signs that your shadow is affecting your life.
1. You feel discomfort about change in specific areas about your dating life, personal relationships and family life. You are very dependent on the comfort, or stasis in your relationships.
2. You try not to discuss your true feelings about past events or circumstances with those close to you but you are more liberal speaking to random people about these issues.
3. You repeat a specific mantra or suppression phrase often when you experience emotional discomfort. I.e. It’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay… Etc.
4. Emotionally challenging situations are something you fully try to avoid, the thought of pain or emotional discomfort scares you and you try everything to avoid emotional conflict.
5. You often hold back tears at seemingly small emotional issues and small issues niggle within you and cause you to retreat to thought.
While general and experienced at some stage of life by all of us, having 3 or more of these emotional distress signals at once can be a large indicator that you have some shadow work to do.
Here are my 3 ZEN secrets for emotional evolution and how to take the path of emotional acceptance through tackling your shadow.
1. WRITE A DIARY. Although this is a classical approach to dealing with emotions this is something we are missing in today’s society, we somehow forgot the value of self expression, even if this means that it’s for our eyes only, this is still a powerful medium for self expansion. However you must use step 2 in order for this to be effective.
2.Start being TOTALLY HONESTY with yourself, NO BS,with clarity, tell yourself how you really feel and for 15 minutes everyday practice self reflection. Lying to yourself will perpetuate your shadow, accept your weaknesses, failures and sadnesses.
Again you must use this with step 3, meditation and yoga will open you up emotionally and allow this step to be free from negativity.
3.Start MEDITATION and YOGA, many yogic practices are designed to create a feeling of wholeness and acceptance in your body and mind these simple tools can get you to the point where you are strong enough to take your shadow work to the next level.
(YOGA & MEDITATION ARE DESIGNED TO BE PRACTISED TOGETHER)
How can we truly accept others if we do not accept ourselves?
Forgiveness is the beginning of this journey, acceptance is the end.
If you don’t deal with your shadow, it will deal with you.
“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice.
meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be grateful for whatever comes.
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”
Rumi – The Guest House