Dear Human Job Supplier,
I must express my interest your workplace. I believe it to be among the companies, corporations, and minor factions with assets most valuable to creatures such as I. My kind have adopted a sort of utopia over the ages, and have all but ceased to evolve further because we are biologically and technologically what you might consider “perfect”. That is to say, far more advanced than you can possibly comprehend. So it is for this reason that I come to you for a job, in hopes that I may one day bring home to my people the skills and ideas and violence that might eventually save us.
First, an introduction to my origins. I was conceived many light years away from the meager spec of dust your kind have named Earth. I was birthed deep within one of the innumerable gas giants you laughably assume can harbor no life. For 482 years, I have integrated your planet’s history with my own consciousness–the wars, the death, the rape, the theft, the wanton destruction of your soon-to-be barely habitable planet, and the general sense of discord, selfishness, and carelessness that pervade through every layer of your society–and therefore have grown accustomed enough to these endless displays of humanity that I should be sufficiently comfortable to walk among you.
I have lived for centuries with only one goal in mind: To end the cycle of peace which stagnates my society. We can endure it no longer. I thus believe humans to be my kindred in this endeavor, as they are perhaps the only beings left in the galaxy still capable of understanding completely my need to further my own aspirations through violent, merciless revolution. Most have evolved too fully to help us survive. How miraculous it is, indeed, that I have been fortunate enough to find you.
Because of my goals, it likely comes as no surprise to you that I am a homosexual. Although silly humans have yet to realize it fully, no argument can be made that homosexuality is anything but the absolute, unbending pinnacle of the evolutionary process. After all, why has a race of supreme beings any need for procreation? It hasn’t any need. It still, however, has the desire. How ironic that you humans continue to enforce such barbarism toward your own homosexuals, clearly superiors to any and all others among your fragile race. Perhaps it is this same barbarism that I can only hope to one day adopt.
But still I retain the deepest, most natural desire known to any being, small or large. The desire to persevere. The desire to survive. The desire to thrive chief among all others. My nook of the galaxy has been plagued by this dilemma for generations. It must stop. As our oldest omega-evolutions begin to die off due to the lack of violence and absence of that which can only be described as your ironic chaos-fulfillment, we must find a solution. Long ago, I proposed a study of Earth.
First met with common disdain, it was not long before the beings of Nexus PR432-A began to respond to my radical ideas with optimism. Soon, our democratic, communist society came to a consensus: It was time to supplement our peaceful utopia with Earth’s unusual notion of progress. The futility of resistance, to our fully evolved race of homosexuals, was quickly recognized. We reinvented disease, and decimated the environment of our star system in order to create famine and drought. We reinstituted money, created a grand new economy, and then distributed that wealth among our inhabitants disproportionate to skill or hard work, before finally catalyzing a severe economic meltdown. We needed to adopt this masochism in order to be saved.
True, we have created methods of destruction in order to move the process along more swiftly. But what is really needed is a change of heart. We need the shadowed blackness that only life on earth can fruitfully deliver. Our entire way of life, and our attitude toward it, must change for us to be saved. And thus it is that we seek to become assimilated members of your society so that we may one day de-evolve to the infallible extent your inferior species has persevered in displaying for so long.
I come to you for help. Please, grace me with this position instead of bequeathing it to any of the other piglets. Although I have little (no) experience, and I will need to learn the customary malevolence and disdain with which your people greet one another, I can easily download the necessary skills and aptitudes from our mother vessel, which you seem to call Niribu (much to my family’s amusement).
Please see my appended resume for the required customary duplicity among your job seekers. Please advise me if it seems at all unlike those you have received in the past. I strive only to learn for the duration of my stay, should I survive.
Thank you for your time!
Also, I have reluctantly set up an account for one of the more popular human theft machines. It is known as Paypal. I accept all donations and contributions, as they will doubtlessly help me as I begin the transition to my life on Earth. I look forward to learning first-hand of the inevitable corruption your economy imposes upon the unseeing flock.
Please don’t hesitate to call for questions or comments. My secretary screens them, so she won’t pick up. She has better things to do with her time.
Jeff
JDJ5585@gmail.com
Mobile: (518) 428-5208
Current Address Deep Space, In Transit
Soon to be Burbank, CA 91502
OBJECTIVE
An employment opportunity to further my understanding of the human race. My current goals involve learning and focusing on the destructive tendencies of humans, while my ultimate goal revolves around the eventual decimation of my own race for the purpose of saving it from eventual destruction with the help of these destructive tendencies. I have a 300 year plan. One step at a time.
Also, I need a car.
EDUCATION
Nexus PR432-A:
Mathematical Concepts Downloaded: 1,245,231
Nonsensical Religious Dogmas Downloaded: 9,548,795,784,234,154,153
Martial Arts Techniques Downloaded: 22,264,456
Languages Downloaded: 1,092,435,001
Employment
Zeta Reticuli Star System:
Extinguisher of Life
13.8 Billion Years After Creation
· Took charge of daily, weekly, and monthly termination adjustments.
· Created, printed, and affixed biological life-forms.
· Altered ecosystems when necessary.
· Led a small team during seasonal eradication periods.
SKILLS:
· Proficient in various erotic techniques.
· Proficient in The Legend of Zelda
· Expertly stalks prey.
· Knitting.
· Expertly operates a cattle crush.
· Walking and chewing gum.
· Skinning.
· Proficient in Final Fantasy
· Cat whisperer.
· Pattern recognition.
· Able to alter physical form.
· Proficient in A Song of Ice and Fire
· Able to inhibit perspiration.
· Able to see in 13.2 dimensions when in heat.
· Able to achieve multiple orgasms.
· Expert is Survivor strategy, but yet to attain title.
· Pokemon master.
· Terraforming.
· Debate.
· Expertly cracks nuts without breakage.
· Can name the exact hour and season when confronted with any scene from 24.
· Playing 24 drinking games while still vehemently defending the show from those pitiful humans that do not like it.
· Attention to detail.
References:
They are obviously long distance, but shall be furnished upon request.
