So… you’re at the local Burger Barn, sucking down some ground rat and worms in a sesame seed bun when your significant other asks you to take a vid of her making an “adorable” noise with her straw in a pseudo-milkshake. Ugh. Reluctantly, you start recording with your smartphone when King Midas taps you on the shoulder: a naked, meth-ed up woman runs in and starts destroying machinery. You get the whole thing, even the part where she decides to fight the cops and wins. “Holy unicorn turds, Batman!” you think to yourself. “I’m going to be FAMOUS!”
Quivering with giddiness, you load the clip to youtube, but only your mom and her cat view it and they make snarky comments like “Honey, were you petting your weasel while shooting this?,” and “Meow. Meow wow wow.”
After deleting Fluffy’s racist comment, you stop and ask yourself: “What went wrong?”
“How can I fix it?”
Well, that’s what this how-to is all about. Read on.
1) Shut up. Nobody wants to hear you howling like a hyena, laughing like He-Man in a fight with Orko, or making “jokes” or “comments”. Shut your face and let the footage do the talking for you.
2) Sit as still as possible. This isn’t the Blair Witch Project you’re shooting. Every movement you make screws up your video that much more with blurriness and shakiness, which nobody likes. Only move when some jackasss is blocking the shot. Otherwise, try to be a Zen master, sitting in perfect stillness. Not moving around tends to make it easier to practice #3.
3) Don’t join the action. A lot of people try to become the focus of the video, making wisecracks to the police or taunting the subway/bus combatants. Or joining the melee. Most of this footage is never seen because the offended parties tend to destroy/steal/confiscate the cell phones involved to keep their stupidity off of youtube. Not everyone wants to be famous for tearing their best friend’s weave off and smacking her with it on the L train.
4) Make sure your phone is up to the task. Test out the video recording capabilities and know your presets (or create some before hilarious civilian violence erupts). They’re not all created equal. Try recording some stuff with your phone to make sure it can do the job. And, if not, get a better one or get out out of the way of the people recording with nice phones. Or block their sight lines, if you’re a jerk.
5) Know where your microphone is and don’t put your fingers anywhere near it when you’re recording. Muffled shuffling sounds are annoying. Unless you’re Redd Foxx. And if you’re Redd Foxx, then you’re a zombie and you’ve got bigger concerns than taping people farting on each other on the bus. Like eating brains.
This list should be enough to get you started. Now get out there and may your latest romp get you banned from Funny or Die!