It’s happened, your tiny baby is a prospective college student. It seems like only yesterday he was having a full-on tantrum in the middle of Target because his shoes were too brown. Just a blink of an eye since she said “Mommy, why is that lady so fat?” about the minister’s wife. In front of her. And now it’s your chance for revenge.
Heaven knows teens are easy to embarrass, but here are some tips to make at this part of the college search process fun. For you at least.
Be super enthusiastic. Enthusiasm is not cool.
–dress in the school colors, including your socks. Say, over and over, “Oh man, I wish I was going here!”
–tell the tour guide what a great job he or she is doing. Compliment his/her ability to walk backwards. Ask if there was a special class for that.
–squeal “Oh my god, it’s just like Hogwarts!” at least three times.
–learn the name of a star athlete at the school or famous faculty member. Periodically ask “Do you think that’s (insert name here)?” Especially if the person you’re pointing out looks nothing like the person you’re asking about.
Ask lots of questions. Questions suggest you don’t know everything, which is mortifying enough. But you can really embarrass your kid by asking the right questions:
–Dads, ask:Which sorority has the hottest girls?
–Moms, maybe go with: My boy has some issues with digestion, can he get his own bathroom?
–My daughter is very smart, will this school be challenging enough?
–Did anyone famous go here?
–So, if one were to make a donation to the school, how much might guarantee entrance?
Be very affectionate or otherwise visibly connect yourself to your child. Your kid is hoping everyone will think he just turned up here on his own. You know better.
–keep trying to hold your child’s hand or put your arm around his or her shoulders
–cry, often and for no reason. Choke out phrases like “I can’t believe my little baby is growing up!”
–take constant photos of your child in front of various buildings, signs, or shrubbery.
–Keep offering snacks from your bag. For bonus embarrassment points, offer them to other tour members.