My first sponsor always told me to take my problems, my questions, and my fears to God, and after almost two years in 12 Step recovery, I do go to God more automatically with my concerns. However, leaving my concerns with Him is much harder than just taking them to Him. Almost as often as I take a fear and lay it out before God, asking for guidance or for Him to take it from me, I have ended my session by picking up my baggage and walking back into the drama of my life. I take things to God, but then I dutifully shoulder my cares and concerns and trudge back to my overwhelming life that I don’t need any help managing (obviously).
Finances is my biggest area of fear because the ability to support myself means freedom and self worth. When I look at all the bills and realize they overwhelm my bank account, I feel panic rush through me and my heart just about stops. And why? Have I ever gone hungry or had no options? I act like my pride’s rules and limitations are how things should be, and my pride says that I should not have to ask anyone for help, that no one should know I cannot afford to eat out without planning in advance, and that I should never borrow money. My pride says I should not be driving one of my parents’ vehicles and that adults buy their own. My sponsor answered this last complaint by saying that, when we ask for something (like a means of transportation), we don’t get to dictate how God answers our prayer.
My internal response is often fatalistic and despairing, losing hope that things could ever be different. But what stops me from living a life of positive expectation? In anticipation of good things? In rock-solid assurance that each day holds something wonderful for me to discover? I am so hung-up on my fearful forecasts into the future that I lose sight of who is in charge, so ready to discard the notion of a Higher Power that isn’t me.
I hesitate to offer the analogy of seeing life as a marathon Easter egg hunt, but what other image embodies the fondness and care of a parent carefully preparing a yard full of joyful discoveries and giving a child the added delight of searching for them? I need to push my ego off the stage and tell myself that maybe, just maybe, God has a plan and purpose in all this seeming difficulty. What if every day was like a treasure hunt, looking for God’s blessings, like Easter eggs hidden around a playground?
Prayer for Today
Take away these fears I mine. Help me have faith that all of my needs will be met in Your plan for me, and please give me the willingness to trust in each day’s blessings.