Walk along the edge of a busy highway or neighborhood street. Stop and open yourself up; be completely aware of what surrounds you. Close your eyes and feel the wind blowing harshly through your hair, across your face as the cars and trucks with their stifling heat and exhaust make you wince and fills your nostrils with the smell of burning rubber and oil. The stifling temperature from the asphalt swirls around your head making you feel as if your body is beginning to melt. A fever takes over leaving your arms and legs heavy, sluggish, like standing in quick sand.
You hesitate for a moment thinking you may be able to adapt and adjust your body to the environment. It is obvious what you’re mind is telling you is truth; your body encased in illusion. Open your eyes slowly and let your mind take in the reality of where you are. Understand the danger of that the traffic zipping by you at a crazy speed. Feel the panic as your heart starts to pound; your mind is completely in connection with possibilities. Eyes begin to water, your pulse can now be felt in your throat, and fear is now sitting on your shoulder. An anonymous driver behind the wheel either drunk, stoned or merely not paying attention could loose control of the wheel at any time. The feeling that overcomes you is overwhelming as you sense at any given moment a vehicle could veer in your direction as you stand there frozen. Your feet feel like lead, your nerves twitch in anticipation, there is a sharp pain running through your head from one side to another. Your brain is screaming from within you yet has no voice or a way out.
With such a force that can not be stopped, headlights in your eyes are immovable as you are hit, broken into hundreds of pieces, your body strewn across yards, fields, and the hot cement of the pavement. You had no chance to run. They were coming too fast and you were so grounded even though your bodies every reaction was to get out of the way your mind instinctively knew it wouldn’t have mattered. A foot to the left, a step to the right only would have taken the blow off center of your body. So instead of ending up dead you could have lived a reality much worse. Unrecognizably deformed, mentally challenged, years in a coma, or brain dead; which of the above is really the better option? If you were to tell yourself the truth it would be death. No one in this life wants to be a burden to loved ones or society. No one wants to be confined to a bed for the rest of their life or be wired to machines that keep their organs alive while their brain and mind is gone.
This is my life, my reality now as I now live it. This is the life I have chosen for myself to be famous, a rock star, a movie maker, the savior of the world and my own existence. I’m sure you’ve seen the signs or heard people making the joke, ‘I always wanted to be older, a grown-up. This shit is not what I expected.’ By my own admission this could be my new mantra. I wanted so much for so long but when I achieved it far beyond my wildest dreams I didn’t count on the shit that came with it. You can’t have the glory without venturing through the bloody battlefield. This is a way this life and how the game must be played if you want to survive. I never sold my soul but I did loan out my integrity, my inner essence. I made deals, trades, called in favors for the things I thought I so desperately wanted. It’s a vicious circle that once started can not be stopped. I have become the person I am through trial and error, ego, and a never ending need to be loved, understood and adored. Welcome back into my nightmare.