I’d like to add a little preface to this story because it is a little morbid to begin with and I want to assure you that there is a very positive message to be learned here, I will speak about something I have come to learn that has been key to my success with relationships and dating.
Something that has allowed me to develop amazing connections with people when other people would find it impossible, something that has allowed me to cross barriers in life that other people simply cannot.
I believe this characteristic I posses is called emotional availability.
Some people run from awkward situations, some people distance themselves from situations they feel they are not equipped to deal with.
There isn’t really any known reason why people evade these circumstances or jump into them, it’s a feeling all in all, but there are those among us that do not run. These people are emotionally available for others, they lend their emotional strength, flexibility, weakness, and understanding.
I feel that I am one of these people; I am deeply empathetic to other people.
I don’t know why and I don’t ask, I just do it, it’s part of what makes me who I am, I never had this ability but over the past few years I have greatly developed and this aspect of me has heightened unimaginably.
I have never considered myself the kind of person to leave someone in pain or suffering if I can help, I have helped people in life whenever I could because I have always been helped by others and that’s what I know, I never doubt my capacity to help someone but today was different, today was more than I’ve ever been prepared for.
Today I watched a man receive the news of his friend’s death.
I was lying in my bed in the hostel I am staying at, typing, eating some chips and generally relaxing.
A man comes in and is shown to his bunk, he sets down his bag and immediately logs into the Wi-Fi and checks his messages.
Less than one minute later, he wails in agony, a sound a man rarely makes, I immediately know what has happened; I don’t know consciously because I am no mind reader, but I’ve heard that noise before.
As I see him grip himself in despair and fall to the ground, my honest first thoughts are of self preservation, I frankly ask myself “Am I in danger?” the answer is no, I sense this man is deeply wounded, as he hits the ground and curls into a ball I feel he has the deep weight in his heart that I have felt before.
The sound he makes resonates with me and I understand what has happened on a subconscious level.
10 seconds have passed and as this hits me, I jump to my feet, I do the first thing I do is go to him and grab him, wrap my arms around him and hug him tightly and tell him it’s going to be OK.
As he comes back from the pain he is in he tells me that one of his oldest, closest friends was tragically hit by a speeding car and that he died in hospital shortly after.
He has just received the email from his relative informing him of the death.
Some time passes and I stay with him to support him. He is hundreds of miles from home, alone and without anyone to help.
I don’t think twice; I tell him that I’ll be here for him, however long it takes, whatever he needs and whatever he has to go through, I’ll be there to listen and be another person there to help him through this.
He cries and grasps himself in pain and makes some phone calls, I roll a cigarette and offer him one.
A short time after we leave the hostel and have a beer together near the sea, we swap stories and talk about his friend’s life and how they met, he explains his fears and concerns to me about his circumstances, being away from home, working here under contract and being unable to leave.
I do my best to reassure him and let him know that nobody will judge him, they know his circumstances.
The night passes and we walk together, talking, sharing understanding, relating and bonding.
He is an extraordinary man; he has lived a life of adventure, freedom and excitement.
The stories he tells me of his life inspire me to do more, to adventure, to be unrestrained even more so.
He has lived a great life.
We end up later in a bar talking about all kinds of stuff, women, drinking, politics, ethics, culture and life stories.
We finish slightly drunk and walk back to the hostel arms around each other’s shoulders, sharing a feeling of mutual acceptance, relief and like a weight has somehow been lifted from our shoulders in a small way.
I feel that in some way I helped.
As we walk back, we pass through a big group of homophobic dudes, drinking and laughing at us and we both laugh as we share the thought “Who gives a shit what they think!” Smiling and laughing as we make our way back.
I wrote this in order to outline a point. I never developed deep relationships with people until I became emotionally available, until I was able to let go of my time for others, until I was prepared to listen and support, until I was conscious of the power I had to offer other people.
Emotional availability is almost the lynch pin in all great relationships, when two people know that they can lean on each other for care, support and understanding, they bond together deeply, the missing parts of each other become fused and those people become a team.
Seducing women is one thing, emotionally engaging a woman by being there for her when she needs you is another, in my quest to become a better man I am lucky to realize this.
I am lucky to see how important it is to be willing and able to enter these situations that other people run or hide from, this is why I have experienced deep love and amazing connection with women, if not for this quality that I have worked hard at through self development and conscious direction I would never have experienced half of what life has given me.
I notice that women sense this in a man. They are somehow able to see that you are capable of this emotional capacity and that you can use this as a positive tool for their lives and emotional well being, this is when women sense you are the right kind of man for them.
There are many reasons a woman would want to be with you and by far this is not the only one, but it’s a damn good one and a positive one that you can choose to add to your life. It only takes a minute to feel someone else, just ask yourself
“What would I want someone to do to help me in a time like this?”
Never doubt your capacity to help others, throw yourself in the deep end and see how you can inspire people, change people’s lives and make the worst of times better for people.
Value your emotional availability and spend this energy wisely, draining yourself of this capacity frequently is not a good thing but I hope this makes you look at this aspect of yourself and deeply analyse it, respect it and understand which category you fall into.
Are you emotionally available?