When you have loved ones who abuse drugs their behavior may baffle you. It often seems as if they are choosing everyone and everything over family. When you understand why they do what they do, it will help. When you understand that it is not about you, then you may think a bit more clearly.
I recently had a long conversation with “Tim,”who sued to smoke crack cocaine He told me some things that I hope will help wives of men addicted to crack to see the light, and feel better about themselves.
At least 3 women have shared similar stories with me regarding husbands who smoke crack cocaine.
When they ask their spouses to do any work around the house, they refuse, hesitate, and or complain.. if a drug buddy calls, even at 3 or 4 a.m. their husbands get up and go.These men will leave home saying they will be back in 10 o 20 minutes,but stay away sometimes for 6 or 8 hours.
They often will miss a family get together or children’s birthday parties.The wives are called nags if they address these issues. Meanwhile the drug buddies who call every hour on the hour throughout the night, are never chastised or told they are waking wives and children. Bill money is spent, and there is often a lack of food.
Tim’s response was this: He said that when you are in that world, you cannot afford to burn bridges. While one is actively using, it is more important to keep doors open, just in case a “friend” may be able to provide free drugs, or chip in a little money with others to buy drugs.
Tim said that when wives curse the “corrupt companions,” shut doors in their faces, and tell them never to call again, it does no good. Tim states that only when he was truly clean and sober, and he himself chose to no longer connect with former associates, did they stop the phone calls and knocks on the door.
Those who do not live in this world cannot understand why wives stay in these situations, or why they do not put their spouses out. Only when we have walked in someone’s shoes can we understand. If your spouse is abusing drugs, remember to not take his behavior personal.
My motto is addicts do what addicts do. Therefore no matter how frustrated you are, remember that until your husband decides to stay clean and sober, the behavior patterns will continue. When he leaves and says 20 minutes, don’t believe it. If he does return home as indicated, do not make a big deal of it.
You cannot control another individual, but you can take steps to lessen the drama surrounding you. Two of the women mentioned earlier say that when their husbands are sleeping, they turn off the cell phones, so that they(the wives) do not have to hear it ringing into the wee hours of the night. One will even erase messages.
She says that she realizes her husband will contact these people if he really ants to, but in the meantime, this gives her a temporary reprieve All 3 said if their spouse was trying to stay in, and did not hear a phone ringing or knock at the door, it gave them the wives a sense of well being and control.
This sounds crazy to those who are not in this world, but it is not always easy to leave or put someone out. This is why understanding addiction, will help women, until they can make more permanent arrangements.