My story that I want to share is a story of pain, struggle, healing, and hope. Dandelion Dreams is the title of a
book I am working on writing. Inspired by when dandelion seeds are taken with the wind, but they land and
start a new dandelion. My dreams were gone with the wind when we had a miscarriage at 13 weeks, but a
new dream was started when I became pregnant with my son 2 months later. I wanted to share parts of my
story to show the depths of miscarriage and my journey through it, and what I went through afterwards It’s my
hope and prayer that my story will bring hope to others who have gone through the difficult journey of losing
a child, or know someone who has gone through it.
Our journey began in August 2010, when my husband, Dominick, and I decided we were ready tot ry for
baby #2. Sophia was 8 months old, and was such a content and easy baby. We stopped using prevention
and were pregnant by mid-September! I went in for an ultrasound around 6 weeks, and there he was, so
small, not looking human yet, but perfect. In October we got the news that Dom had Lyme Disease. He had
been getting very sick, and ended up in the emergency room. After finding this out we decided to get me
tested as well, but that didn’t happen until November.
I got sick with Lincoln twice. It was quick and mostly right after drinking water. The pregnancy seemed pretty
flawless otherwise. I had another ultrasound around10 weeks. He was growing perfectly and his tiny little
profile with legs and arms was so cute! We were at Dom’s parent’s for Thanksgiving that year, and I had
gotten a gender prediction test. It looked fun, so I figured I’d give it a try. The test came back very clearly
saying boy, so now we just had to wait and see if it was right. December 1st I started bleeding. It wasn’t
heavy, but still enough that I called my Doctor and they had me come in for an ultrasound. Lincoln was fine,
perfect heartbeat, perfect growth. It made me nervous, but I felt better after seeing him. After a couple more
days and the bleeding was not stopping. I was brought back in for another ultrasound. Once again he was
On the night of December 10 (12 weeks 3 days) my mom and I decided to go down to Magee Women’s
Hospital in Pittsburgh for some second opinions. All of the blood work, and urine sample came back fine. I
got another ultrasound and he was just perfect and beautiful! I was told that it was a threatened miscarriage.
This meant it was a 50/50 chance of the pregnancy continuing, and it was just a waiting game. After that I
met Dom and my brother for a Skillet concert. I was having so many emotions with not knowing if he would
live to being relieved that he was still alive. At the concert Skillet sang their song “Lucy” (about an aborted
baby) and I just sat and quietly cried and pleaded for my baby to live.
The following day, December 11, was Sophia’s 1st birthday. We had a very nice
party with family and friends at our church. It was relaxing and fun. I don’t remember thinking much about the
possibility of the miscarriage that day. I was so pre-occupied, and that was very good for me.
Sunday December 12th I woke up with cramps. When I went to the bathroom there were tons of little blood
clots. I didn’t say anything and just went downstairs to the couch. The cramps turned into what I would soon
realize were contractions. They were coming every couple of minutes. I went to the bathroom again and
there were more blood clots. I was in pain and scared. I called Dom in and when he saw he called my mom
to watch Sophia and took me to the ER. I was having a hard time walking and doubling over in pain every
couple minutes. When they got me in there the pain just kept getting worse. I was rolling around crying, and
moaning with Dom trying to comfort me. I was bleeding a lot. My blood pressure had dropped very low, and
they couldn’t give me any pain medicine until it came back up. They had the on-call OBGYN come in, and
genius that she was (sorry, but that is just how I was feeling at the time) told me that I was bleeding….really,
thanks, I hadn’t noticed. I was annoyed, angry, tired, scared, and in pain. I wanted this nightmare to be over. I
seriously felt like I was dying. I had never been in this kind of pain. And the devastating part was that I knew
the pain wouldn’t be gone until my baby was gone. They had to call the on-call Ultra-sound tech to come in.
When she got there they took me over to the room for what would be my last ultrasound of Lincoln. Going in I
already knew the truth. I had cried so much, and was so tired I couldn’t cry anymore. The tech walked in and
said “I don’t know why you’re here. I looked at your file, and everything has been fine.” I bit my tongue,
almost literally, because I knew she would be eating her words. When his image came up on the screen I
saw right away that there was no heartbeat, and that the uterine walls were trying to push him out. Seeing
my lifeless baby, that just 2 days ago had been absolutely perfect, is an image and a feeling I will never
forget. The tech did not say another word to us.
I was wheeled back to the ER to wait for a Doctor. When he finally came he was able to pull out some
tissue, but my body just was not passing the baby, and I was still having contractions. His blunt words were
“well you’re having a miscarriage.” And then proceeded to tell me that they were going to do a DnC. I really
wanted to pass him naturally, but I was bleeding a lot, and did not have the energy. We had to wait until the
OR opened up. During that time I had grown quiet and a horrible calm had come over me. I was ready to
pass out, and was in shock that this was actually happening. Dom made some phone calls to our parents to
let them know the sad news. Our pastors at the time, came to see us before I was taken to the OR. They
stayed with Dom while I was in there. They were putting me under, and I remember I fell asleep before it
even took effect, that’s how exhausted I was.
When I came to after the operation the first thing I asked was how big the baby was, and gender. They
showed me approximately the size of my palm and that the baby was a boy. When I got to my room it was
filled with people. Family and friends had come to support us and offer their condolences. I told Dom the
baby was a boy, and that I wanted to name him. I chose the name Lincoln, and Dom chose Michael. I was
not much in the mood for talking so I sat silently holding Sophia.
When they discharged me some carolers were in the hall and they stopped to sing for me as I came out of
my room. The nurses took pictures of the moment and later mailed them to me. If I didn’t have Sophia I do
not believe I would have gotten up to do everyday life as quickly. She was and is such a blessing. Dom was
an amazing support, and really felt the loss as well.
Another hard part of this story for me was my 2 best friends were pregnant, and my sister. Two of them were
due in February and the other due within 3 weeks of my due date. I was so happy for them, but it was still
hard. I was numb for awhile. A few days after that horrible day I was laying on my bed bawling. I called the
hospital and told them I was having a horrible time with not having gotten to see him and say goodbye. The
nurse found out for me that when babies are under 16 weeks they dispose of them. This angered me, but
there was nothing I could do about it. I called K-Love (Christian radio station) and told them my story and
asked them to play a song for me. I continued to lay there, silently listening and waiting for this horrible heart
pain to pass. I ordered a necklace with his name and birth in to heaven/death on this earth date on it.
Wearing that was oddly comforting. I put his ultrasound pictures in a frame with a poem and they hung on our
dining room wall. Even though I never got to hold him on the outside He is still very much a part of our family.
I have 3 children, but I will have to wait to meet my precious Lincoln in heaven.
Following all of this was Christmas, which needless to say was a rough time. Right after the new year I
started a new job at a daycare. This was rough for many reasons, 2 of them being that I was around babies
all day, and I had to leave Sophia all day. During this time I learned that a lady, Jessica, I went to college
withhad gone through a miscarriage as well about a month before me, and had around the same due date.
We started talking daily online, and that was so therapeutic. I will forever be thankful for her friendship!
On February 11th my sister was taken in to be induced 6 days past her due date. I was a labor coach along
with her husband. It was something I felt I needed to do. We waited 19 hours for her time to push, and then 4
1/2 hours of pushing until finally my nephew was born. My sister was in so much pain and almost shock that
she didn’t really have the strength to hold him. His dad held him for a few minutes and then handed him to
me. I sat in a chair looking at him and just cried. It was exactly 2 months after the loss of Lincoln.
I don’t remember much from my day to day life. I listened to the song “Healer” by Planetshakers on repeat for
quite awhile. I don’t remember ever feeling angry with God. I questioned why Lincoln had to go. I had
pleaded for his life, but God knows best and I had to accept that. I still struggled with it. I read books about
miscarriage/infant loss. Listened to sad songs, and songs that were up-lifting. I will forever be grateful for
everyone who helped us with meals, support and prayers.
Through the past 3 years I have struggled with it off and on. On the 1 year anniversary Dom and I released a
balloon together. For the 2 year anniversary we released colored floating lanterns as a family. I made a video
of it, accompanied by a song from the movie “Tangled”.
I want to tell everyone who has gone through losing a child through miscarriage or still birth that however you
need to grieve is okay. However you want to remember your baby is okay. I choose to talk about Lincoln and
celebrate him still, because he is our child and part of our family. He will always be in our hearts! Never feel
like you need to, or should be over your child. The pain lessens, but you still lost your child! I got statistics
from people quite a bit, and that was one thing that made me very angry. I don’t care how many people it
happens to, or how “normal” it is; I lost my child; making the event in to a statistic doesn’t make it any easier
(at least for me). I hope and pray that my story can help anyone going through this painful, and difficult
Two months after losing Lincoln I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy, but so scared as well. My
pregnancy was normal, except for going into early labor at 36 weeks and being on medicine to stop
contractions until Judah Gabriel was delivered, via c-section, at 38 weeks. Judah means praise, and Gabriel
means God is my strength. His name has a very important meaning to it, and I am so thankful for the
blessing that my boy is, and for God being my strength through everything.
God Bless you all.