For many years I have carried in my heart and soul a deep feeling of sadness, hurt, anger, confusion and frustration. For years I have carried these emotions in silence, in darkness. So many bad decisions in effort to understand, to live with this pain, to ease it. It is time for the world to know the truth about my pain.
As a child I was molested by someone I truly loved and trusted. One night I heard my name being called by my father. My father was someone I truly loved and I always felt protected by him. But that night when I heard him call me, I knew something was wrong. It is hard to explain but I had a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach. Even with that feeling, I went upstairs.
I stopped right outside the door and could hear my father talking. It sounded like there was someone talking to him. I heard him laughing and then I heard a completely different laugh. I opened the room door and walked in. My father was sitting down in a chair, with a cigarette in one hand and a beer in the other. The weirdest thing was that there was no one in there with him.
My father stood up from the chair and turned and looked at me. He had a blank stare, a weird stare. He was looking at me differently. He told me to close the door. He turned off the cigarette and put down the beer. I was starting to get scared but I didn’t know why. He told me to sit on the bed. I did so reluctantly.
From there you could only imagine my nightmare. I remember crying, remembering it now still makes me cry. That night I lost my innocence, my hero and my path. After my father finished he threatened me. He told me if I told anyone he would kill my mother.
At that time he was beating her and I had no choice I had to protect her. He continued molesting me for years. During those years I was dying a slow death. Not only was he molesting me but he was also favoring me in everything. I felt so dirty, I felt like a prostitute. I wanted to die, I wanted to stop feeling anything.
One day my mother kicked him out on her own. That is when I was finally freed, or at least that is what I thought. Though he could not hurt me anymore, I was still forced to keep the secret. I could not put my mom in danger. He tried to get me to go with him but I refused. My mom was surprised because we didn’t get along. She had no idea how much I love her, how much pain I had to endure in order to protect her.
After my father left I began acting out. There was a part of me that resented my mom. I couldn’t talk but I needed to express my pain somehow. First I started smoking cigarettes, then I began drinking. The drinking numbed my pain. After a while it didn’t work and I began to cut my arms. The cutting distracted me from the pain. I tried to kill myself in various occasions and failed.
My mom knew something was wrong but I couldn’t tell her. There are parts of me that is ashamed. I couldn’t face her and I had to protect her. Then I started dating women because I couldn’t bare the thought of a man touching me. I tried but it wasn’t for me. Then I began to date older men with the only intention of using them, of hurting them.
Then as time went by I continued to self destruct. One day someone told my mother that I wasn’t a virgin. She was very upset and kept yelling at me to tell her who had taken my virginity. I remember yelling, do you really want to know! She responded yes, and I yelled out, my father! All my brothers and sisters were there. I look on my older brothers face still haunts me. I looked at my mom and she had a sad look on her face. She gave me a big hug and said she was so sorry. We just held each other crying.
I do not know if my mom spoke to my father or not. I got no justice. The worst part is that more victims began to arise. My cousins were also molested by him. Difference is, one of them actually spoke up and got justice. My father got away but at least everyone finally saw his true face.
Unfortunately for me, I am still very much haunted by my experience. I relive it in dreams, I remember it when I am awake and I am paranoid because of it. I have been going through therapy, my therapist is the best. More than a therapist he is like a best friend. He has been helping me cope with my past and look ahead to the future.
It is important for me to share my experience because in this way I have a voice. In the past I was forced to keep a secret that was consuming me. Now I am releasing that secret, maybe this way I will find a bit of peace.
If anyone who is reading this article is going through something similar, the first thing I would like to say is I am sorry. I know how you feel, but it is time to speak up! Look at what happened when I failed to speak up. More innocent little girls were violated by this man. Each one of those girls is my fault. If I would have spoken on time, they would have been spared.
Please if you know anyone going through this, speak up. Our words can go great lengths and save hundreds of children from monsters. I learned that silence can hurt other people. Knowledge truly is power, a power I had and failed to use. That is something I have to live with.
One thing is for sure, I will not destroy my life because of that man anymore. He has taken enough from me. I am going to live as if he never existed. I know it will take some time, but I will succeed. I want to live without fear, disgust, paranoia and all the negatives emotions he left inside me.
It may seem weird but I have some final words for that man. I need to say it, so I could move on with my life. I forgive you and may god forgive you.
