Need a quick answer to a career or personal dilemma? Career and life coach Marielys Camacho-Reyes will answer your concerns in her new column “Ask the Coach.”
My name is Ashley and I was wondering if I could get your advice on my relationship? I am very confused and need some guidance. I am conflicted in the situation I have in regarding my relationship. I am only 20 years old. I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 and a half years. He was my first love and first real boyfriend and I was crazy about him in the beginning. Over the past year though, I have been growing increasingly restless in my relationship. We have both grown up a lot and changed the past few years. I do not feel passion or sexual attraction towards him at all anymore. Even though he is away at college and we only see each other on the weekends, I feel like I am married already. I have tried to go on breaks with him in the past and he refuses to go on one. He said we must break up for good or stay together. We have been trying to do new things together and trying to go on romantic dates together but not much has changed. I love him as a person; he is my best friend and treats me well but these feelings, I cannot ignore anymore. I am just afraid of losing someone who cares about me and loves me so much. Should I stay and keep trying? I don’t want to waste too much time since I am young. Or should I leave and try to move forward?
First of all, I want to commend you for having the courage to ask for advice before making a drastic decision about your relationship. That was a very mature thing to do and it shows that you do want to make what is called an emotional intelligent decision, and not a decision based on your current emotions. The problem you are facing is a very common problem that couples face when they have been together for a long time.
In your case, you have been with this person for the past 4 years and the fact that you guys have matured and grown up has a lot to do with the way you feel at this moment toward the relationship. You guys are not kids anymore and you both may have experienced other life adventures/experiences, which in one way or another have pushed both of you to become “comfortable” (not to say bored) with the relationship. That is okay and it is completely normal. However, the problem with this is that unless you guys decide to break that cycle, you will keep feeling like this. Sometimes people stay in a relationship that has become “tedious” due to the fear of starting over or letting go, but doing this is not the best decision because instead of contributing toward the well-being of all the people involved, it only prevents them from moving forward in life.
Both of you need take time away from your busy schedules to sit down and have a very serious conversation about this situation. Don’t drag it anymore. During your conversation, express your points and listen to his points and then make a final decision about the future of your relationship. This is something that you and your boyfriend need to do sooner than later for the sake of all the parts involved.
Just remember to take in consideration what is that YOU want to do with your life. If both of you can’t come to an agreement on how to reinvent the relationship so that you can start feeling happy and passionate again toward him, or if you still feel like the relationship is done, then the best decision you can make is to let go and focus on rebuilding your life away from this person by doing what is best for you. Don’t allow anyone to have an influence in your decision. Only you know what is best for you.
Sincerely, The Coach.
Would you like to contact “The Coach”? Send her an email at firstname.lastname@example.org