If you are reading this, chances are you have that novel written in your head, but just need some motivation to get it on paper. This is where I come in. I have started over 200 novels in my day, and am pretty sure if they were finished they would have changed lives. So without further to do. Here are my ten fool proof steps in writing that next best seller.
1. Write your introduction.
Really grip your readers. Let them know what kind of journey they are headed on and why they should stay on the ship. The first or last line of a book is often the one that is remembered most. Write whatever is on your mind.
2. Reread the paragraph.
Once that paragraph is written, read it through. Fix all of your mistakes. Fix that sentence that sticks out like a sore thumb as the weak link in your literary masterpiece. Be sure to add as many cliche’s as possible because it makes you look like one of those “real” writers you hear so much about. It is destined to fit right in and not sound like you are trying too hard.
3. Delete that paragraph and start a new one.
At this time you will realize that your paragraph does not sound as good as it did in your head, and in a fit of rage you will need to delete that paragraph. Do not panic, the next paragraph will be even better, with more cliches and even greater wordage. That new name you are giving the main character is going to be better than the one that was in the first paragraph, and you are well on your way to a career as a best selling author. Repeat the first two steps.
4. Question your ability as a writer.
Once this paragraph is written, and you have proofread it and tweaked it a dozen times, you will start having an anxiety attack. This is normal. Let it out in whichever way you see fit. I tend to play Candy Crush Saga, which tends to lead to more panic attacks when I am out of lives. It is at this time you will snap at the next person to talk to you. Don’t worry about this, you will be forgiven once you start making your millions. At this time you will more than likely slam your computer shut and watch TV. Let this feeling stew for a few months.
Many months from now you will have the urge to revisit that novel that you started. Turn on your computer, put on some music, and read that paragraph. Once you have deleted it and questioned your ability as a writer, as will as your reason for being on this planet. Start fresh. Maybe this means starting that novel over, or starting a new one all together. Starting a new one always works because now you have learned from your mistakes on the last one. Once the anxiety attack kicks in…
6. Become an accountant.
You never really liked writing anyway. Math was always your true love. Once you get those numbers crunching, and realize that you made a mistake 9 pages later, I recommend looking into becoming a chef or starting up that rock band you have been forming in your head. Who knows, you may even get the itch to become an author!