If you’re struggling to lose weight and/or battling obesity, you’ll need many sources of support. I’ve been through so many battles dealing with my weight issues, eventually I got healthier, fitter, I lost weight, and I was finally able to keep the weight off for good. I wouldn’t have changed, unless I put together a plan and list of “needs” in my life, and this became my support system.
I’m thankful for so much in my life, even though challenges still come my way. Life isn’t always going to be rosy, and I’m reminded of this every so often. Having “growth moments” and “turning points” in our lives are very important, and we need to be aware of these moments of change. So, when I’m challenged, I use that as a time to reflect, to see what my present time is like, and what’s needed of me to get to where I need to head. I tend to use turning points as a measure of how I’m doing. I also like to rely on holidays, as a measure of myself over my lifetime(looking back over the years) and as a yearly comparison(say from New Year’s Day to New Year’s Day). Paying attention to what’s going on around us, and coming to terms and admitting things to ourselves, is a big deal. We must learn from things we go through and the lessons we pick up along the way. “I don’t get better,” unless I know where I’ve been, acknowledge what I’ve gone through, and set my sights on where I need to be with my life. My old ways will only do one thing for me, keep me stuck in a life I don’t want.
So much about myself and my life, I hated, for a very long time. I still have moments where I struggle, where something can trigger a painful memory from my past. I haven’t fully been able to grasp the magnitude of it. How much do those feelings hold me back and hurt me? When will I completely be rid of it? I’ve come such a long way, but this goes to show us, there’s so much more. Changing our lives, our weight, and working on ourselves, is a lifetime process. I wanted to believe, and I did believe it, that once I “looked better,” or “once I had money,” I’d be happy. I thought, I’d feel like an instantly new person. I thought, I’d even actually feel loved.
One of the great things about adulthood, is “breaking free.” We have this “something great,” to look forward to in life, as we become more and more independent. We dream, make plans, and hopefully strive to live our best us and best lives possible. You need to know, this is your life. No one owns you. You need to be happy. If something or someone in your life is tearing you down and tearing you apart, you’ve got to take the steps to get out of that environment. You are responsible for you. You are the one you need to rely on. You are the one with the strength, to turn your life and weight completely around.
I am grateful for adulthood. I’m grateful for everything it’s taught me. I can do anything. I’m grateful, for being able to see things the way I do, and make the best judgments and decisions for myself. I didn’t have to be this person today. I could have stayed that fat and miserable person instead. I could have kept letting the negativity surrounding me, destroy me. That happened long enough. On this day, I declare, I’ve changed that, for good. This year, has been very good to me. Do you know those times, where you blame yourself for something? Or, feel sorry for yourself because of how someone has treated you? That was always me. It was always my fault, and it must have been me doing everything wrong. I believed, I had to be an awful kid and teen, to get treated so badly by my father. All of those years I cried. It wasn’t about me though, and it wasn’t about anything I did wrong. It was about him. It was about his own issues. I took the blame, for him. Someone needed to be blamed for whatever he was feeling. I can say, “today, I reached a new turning point, and I’m not crying anymore.” He had the power to make me cry all of my life, but not anymore. The tables have turned. Eyes have been opened. I’ve given myself permission, to stop blaming myself for being treated so awfully.
It never should have happened. The people in my life should have done something to stop it. Maybe they feared, they would become a target too? As long as it’s not me? When will that “as long as it’s not me” attitude banish? When is it time to stop looking the other way? It sickens me, that children are being abused physically and/or emotionally by their parents(by anyone). It sickens me, to know its happened to me. It sickens me, that no one stopped it. Think about what you’re doing to your child, each time you’re verbally abusive. The problem is, I doubt that’s the type of person reading this, and it’s probably a fact, those types of people don’t care. Think about what you’re allowing, every time your spouse talks down to your child. Do you care about your child? Love for your partner, is not as important as that child. Obeying your spouse and living in fear, will get you nowhere, and destroy your child. That love you think you have and need to hold onto, amounts to nothing, if you don’t have the well-being of your child.
I was picked on by my dad for what seemed like every little thing. I didn’t do anything bad and never acted up, but he found fault. It became apparent to me, the less I was around him, the better it was for me. So, I began to hide in my bedroom. I’d be fine all day with my mom and brother, but as soon as dad came home from work, I ran to hide. I started a life of hiding from an early age. Before the age of eight, I was hiding. I spent many years hiding and hurting and crying alone.
I was slowly being destroyed. I kept deep inside of me, all of those hurts. I didn’t know how to stop it. I didn’t know how to make him stop hurting my feelings. That voice. The way he said things. That hacking, rough, deep voice. I hate, the voice. I never want to hear that voice again.
That voice was used to torment me. It tore at me, while my mother and brother ignored it. It wasn’t them being tormented, after all. They allowed me to be hurt. They allowed him to divide us as a family. I’ve always felt alone. I’ve always felt it were the three of them against me. He not only hurt me, he took my family away from me too. When it came down to them choosing my side or protecting me or defending me, they didn’t. All those years I hated them too. I didn’t want to hate them. I wanted their love, I wanted to feel it, and I wanted them to stand up to him.
We could have been a happy family. He took that away from us. In fact, he made sure we were all miserable. They didn’t say it, but they didn’t need to. I know, my mother and brother, were just as miserable as I was. It’s so very sad. Over the years, when we talked about our family, sometimes I’d hear him say, “it could be worse, you’re lucky I don’t drink.” Really? That’s not a right person.
My father is now ill. He didn’t take care of himself. Now, we take care of him. It’s frustrating when a family member neglects their health, then the family has the burden of caring for them. I was angry when his health first started to decline, especially when he wouldn’t listen and change. I’m not angry anymore, I just do what’s needed, he is my father, and maybe I do it more for my mother, to ease her burden. But, he expects so much from the family now, and he doesn’t do his part. He needs to be a kinder, gentler soul, and grateful for what we do. Just because he needs me now, doesn’t mean I need to be there. I could have turned my back on him. He made my life miserable for so long. This is supposed to be my time. I am supposed to do for me.
What comes to mind, now that my dad is getting older and his health is failing, is the biblical account of the battle between David and Goliath. David and Goliath confront each other, Goliath with his armor and shield, David with his staff and sling. David hurls a stone from his sling with all his might, and hits Goliath in the center of his forehead. The Philistine falls on his face to the ground; David takes Goliath’s sword and cuts off his head.
I think about how long I allowed that torment to go on. Still, I’m there for my family, I take care of them, and I do my best to “keep the peace.” I’ve grown and built a force within me, where he nor they, can hurt me anymore. His being sick and going in and out of the hospital, has allowed my mom, brother and I, to grow closer. While he hasn’t been around, the three of us are seeing, we are a wonderful family without him. He is the poison, which has destroyed our family all of these years.
Since he’s been ill, he’s grown more demanding. He wants to be waited on, and wants our sympathy. I feel bad for him. He chose not to change his life, and kept on living a toxic life. It’s hard to sympathize with someone who’s given the tools for change and survival, but refuses them. You want my sympathy, when you haven’t done a darn thing to change? If you’re not thinking of yourself, being good and kind to yourself, I have a really big problem with that. I’m going to be angry with you, until you show me you can respect yourself.
If I need to make changes to live, I’m going to make them, and do whatever I can. I want more years. I’m not going to be ready to “pack it in,” ever. My time won’t come without a fight. He’s facing what time he has with weakness, just as he’s always faced everything. Cowards are abusive. It’s the only thing they have, to feel good about themselves. They bully others, to feel good. He’s faced everything as Goliath, to scare everyone, to be in control, instead of dealing with his feelings and short comings. Some of the biggest people, those with the loudest voice, are really the weakest.
Witnessing him not caring about himself, and listening to the things he says, is a reminder of how little he’s cared about so many things. Sometimes, it’s hard to keep my mouth shut. The anger of all these years, sometimes unleashes itself. I remember, Thanksgiving eve 2011, we ended up having words by the end of the night. That day was different. I felt no fear. I had my mother and brother by my side. My family was finally on my side. His health began its decline, this allowed the three of us to bond, and he lost his power of doom. The three of us have since enjoyed our time together. We never felt like a family. I never felt like I had a family. That night, we clearly saw who the poison has been. He’s always wanted them to believe it were me. There comes a time, everyone gets tired of the same old ways. They’ve grown tired of the enigma and the negativity he spawns. We’ve all grown tired of it. If it wasn’t for him, we would have always been a happy family, just the three of us. That night before Thanksgiving, opened our eyes. We are since, a unit of three. After all of these years, mom and my brother stood up to him. They stood by me. I didn’t cry. I was filled with this new strength I’ve worked hard on building. He wasn’t going to win again, and he won’t win ever again. I’m different. They are different. I feel their love. I finally have the love of my family. Goliath has lost. Goliath has been defeated.
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