I have just appointed myself as your “go to guy” in the arena of seeing things that might, in fact, not be there. But just the very fact that I see them fills my day with the kind of enjoyment a man can’t get sitting on his comfortable chair in his bedroom office while an overheating Border Collie pants and drools on my wife’s bedspread.
Sometimes, in our glancing through the headlines, I think we miss the underlying story. For instance…
Item #1: The White House was placed on lockdown on May 8 when two items were thrown over the fence. CNN broke into its coverage to report that the items had nothing to do with the disappearance of Malaysian Airlines flight 370.
Item #2: In response to the ongoing scandal that may cost the head of the Veterans Administration his job, former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich said, “We need a 21st Century VA.” Area veterans groups countered with “How about we get a 21st Century Newt Gingrich first?”
Item #3: You’ve no doubt heard or seen that horrible story about the decapitated old man found in his house. His wife is missing. So is his head. CNN wonders why the Navy won’t deploy its “Bluefin Drone” to aid in the search.
Item #4: An article in Time magazine online says it’s “normal” to see the face of Jesus in toast. Human minds are wired to see faces where there are no faces. We used to call that “hallucinating.” But I can tell you it is normal to see the Flying Spaghetti Monster in a bowl of pasta.
Item #5: CNN’s “Crossfire” host, S.E. Cupp (the only person at the network named after a bra size) scolded Bill Nye “the Science Guy” because “science guys are bullies.” That explains the uptick in reported cases of varsity jocks being “purple nurpled” by high school chess clubs.
Item #6: LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling complains, saying one cannot be forced to sell one’s property. If that were a fact, then Dan Snyder’s football team would be known as the Washington Europeans.
Item #7: The Washington Post tweeted: “The Obama administration is sending fewer than 10 people to help Nigeria find kidnapped girls” That is shameful! Ten people? Fewer than 10? Whatever. That number pales when compared to the number of Americans President George W. Bush sent to find the missing WMDs in Iraq. We can do better.
Item #8: The Washington Post also reported that Shelly Sterling, wife of disgraced LA Clippers owner Donald Sterling, isn’t giving up Clippers without a fight. Of course she’s not going to give up the team without a fight. Jeez, it’s not like she’s married to the Clippers or anything like that.
Item #9: CNN reports that pro-Russian activists in eastern Ukraine have told Vladimir Putin to фунт песка до его прямой кишки (contact me for translation) and will go ahead and hold their referendum about breaking away from Ukraine and joining Russia, no matter what that Putin guy says. This will no doubt anger the Russian president and cause an immediate invasion, meaning here in the states we will be forced to start referring to the country as “The Ukraine” again.
Item #10: The AP breathlessly tweeted: “Burgers for breakfast? Some Burger King locations to add Whoppers, cheeseburgers and more to the breakfast menu.” What? Wait. Hold on. Burgers are NOT for breakfast? Since WHEN? Did this suddenly become RUSSIA? Or The Ukraine?
That should give you enough water cooler conversation for today. (I’ve been retired for awhile. Are there still water coolers?)