The search begins with a thought in your mind as to where you came from, who held you first and whether or not you were truly wanted or was adoption just an escape. With so many questions and not the slightest idea of where to start, the value of having a name takes hold.
I understand the need to find a birth parent. I have searched high and low over the last thirty years, searching for a ghost in my pasts without so much as the support of a fly, I continued on faithfully day after day. Each question I begged of those who knew was met with an answer that I was better off not knowing. I was able to get a name which was the fire beneath my search. It had lit up so much anticipation and desire. With a name, I knew I could fulfill the dream of just knowing.
I struggled many times with the answers that I was better off not knowing. Whose truth is being protected? Am I not worthy of at least knowing who brought my life into this world? Her placement of me gave the gift that many received by knowing and meeting me. In my search, I needed to find the beginning to understand the future. If I was to continue my life in the happiest way possible, I just wanted a sense of closure or whatever may happen in knowing who was responsible for the air that filled my lungs.
So, my search for my true identity began. Heart drenching nights filled my life more than once. Each brick wall was met with another feeling of abandonment. My tears become my fuel to continue on. The brick walls become my strength and with those findings, I continued on more determined and more empowered to realize my dreams. However short, long, happy or sad I deserved to know who created the wonderful being I have become. There were times where I needed to distance myself to regroup, to gain confidence and to continue the pursuit. These times came and went with the desire to just know. I was not searching out of disrespect but with mere knowledge and a sound foundation of my existence. There was no hate, no disgust or need to see the agony that adoption brings to so many. In my heart there was only a need to see, to smile and to let them know that I was okay.
After some time and changes in technology came, I began the search again with the assistance of a friend. We used the internet and various sources of outlets to locate missing family members. We created profiles and background information to enhance our results and improve our search. With all the constant searching, we were finally able to find her last known address and phone number. Using Ancestory.com, we began to see the pieces unfold and come together.
I am unsure of the final results of my search; I do not know where it will take me in life. I often wonder if I have other siblings, is there a chance of a reunion, or does anyone even know about me. Only time will give me the answers and with time, I will at the very least know where I came from.