I’m sitting here, tear stained face and all, with a used Kleenex. Once again debating so many things, and amongst them the possibility of quitting. Its an outright falsehood that words can’t hurt you as badly as being hit with a stick or a stone. And what’s worse is the shameful truth that the people you love and who say they love you are often the ones that can hurt you the most. Not necessarily in physical violence, but with the worst pain of all, by emotionally piercing the heart.
Doubt, Frustration, and Petty Revenge
I’m sure that I am not the first to undergo these pitfalls in a relationship. The shear number of country and blues songs, of which I am not the author of, proves that point. And there are many options, that some of these songs suggest, as how to deal with the aftermath of hurt – drugs, affairs, alcohol, spiteful gossip, violence, arguments, breakups – pick your poison. Knowing that how I respond to hurt is critical, what do I do? I cry. And I usually feel like a fool. Thinking to myself, Why are you still crying over this? How many tears are you going to shed before you wake up and realize this is never going to change? Don’t you want better?
YES. I want better. I think anybody who has experienced hurt in a relationship just want things to be better than what they are. There are many times in the past were I would find ways to get some sort of revenge, no matter how petty. And I still find myself struggling with this endeavor of avenging my self on certain occasions. Yes. It hurts like hell when your heart is emotionally troubled. I hate being anyone’s fool. I want the easiest way to the light at the end of the tunnel, please. If God really loves me, why, why, WHY must I keep experiencing pain? Maybe if I just become apathetic and stop catching feelings for people, I would be better off, right?
The Light Bulb Moment
Feeling challenged and lost, I turn to see if my faith will once again steer me in the right direction. As I’m unloading all my current pains through prayer, I’m thinking, I don’t deserve this…why do I always seem to be the one to want to forgive and bridge the gap? Since I’m already thinking this, I minus well ask Him. Thankfully God is not unfamiliar with pain and heartache.
I came across the following passage, shortly after ending my petition:
“…..But if when you do what is right and suffer for it, you patiently endure it, this finds favor with God.
For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His footsteps, WHO COMMITTED NO SIN, NOR WAS ANY DECEIT FOUND IN HIS MOUTH; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously; and He Himself bore OUR sins in His body on the cross, so that WE might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds YOU were healed.”
1 Peter 2:20-24
I’m aware of what many could say. I don’t need a religion to pick myself up. I can do bad all by myself.
But why choose to be alone? Do we not believe there is God who has been seeking to be with us since creation? That its not just meditation we need or a Zen structured house, but His love? When will we stop exhausting ourselves with all our human efforts and start resting in Christ?
God the Father choose to send His child for a bunch of people He knew would not only reject him but seek to kill him. As a mother, I cannot fathom putting my babies in harm’s way for people who could care less about them. Jesus, being fully God also, could have shown His power and took His revenge on all the simple humans who whipped him, cursed him with out remorse, doubted him, and left him when things got rough. When given the option during a public trial to free Jesus, who did nothing worth dying over, or free the ravenous criminal and murderer Barabas, the people CHOSE that which was truly vile and evil. And so is the nature of our human hearts. Therefore, we should never fully trust what comes out of it, despite what Disney movies may have told us.
It really takes trust in the right person to live. And Jesus is that person. He is the best role model for everything, including our response to pain and heartache. For anybody who has had their life saved by someone they don’t know, you know that feeling of awe. It is the humbling shock that someone would actually do that just for you. Welp, if you never had that experience, know that Jesus has done it for you already.
My petition was answered and not in the way I would have asked for it. Being in my 30’s, what have I learned from all those years prior of “being” a Christian? Was I really aware that, since giving my life to Christ, I would still have great pains in my life? Probably not to the extent that I know now. I didn’t initially want to swallow a horseshoe pill, but its time to put on my big girl undies.