Horrible news is becoming so common place that it fails to move us sometimes. Still the recent headlines made me stop and read with my heart hurting and full of pain.
” Police Arrest 6 Brothers Accused of Sexually Abusing Own Sister for 10 Years, Parents Also Charged “
Six brothers. Raping their own sister starting when she was 4 years old. Their mother apparently walked in on it happening and then walked out without saying anything leaving the little girl to the mercy of her sibling.
The father also did not seem to care and nothing was done to save this poor child who suffered for years. Now at sixteen she has gone to another state with what I hope is a loving family so she can heal.
There is however one more aspect to this that I found horrifying. A mental health counselor mentioned casually that sadly many victims tend to find themselves involved in drugs and abusive relationships. Instantly the comment section was filled with self righteous anger.
People mainly women pounced on her. How DARE she predict this for this poor woman. She should be more understanding! Most victims of abuse are survivors! The counselor calmly noted that she did not say all people who are victims of abuse get involved with drugs or abusive relationships nor did she say that this is the fate of this little girl but she is basing what she is saying on experience based on the fact she works with many such victims for a living. Again another wave of anger. One man told her to go to hell that his wife was sexually abused when she was 12 and she is now a kind loving and productive member of society.
It was noted that he seemed very hostile and perhaps could use counseling himself. The rest is better imagine then said. Perhaps you already know where I’m getting ready to go on this. Perhaps not. While all the finger pointing was going on…all I could think of was my God who is standing up for the victims other then this counselor?
You may be confused here at this point so let me explain. Almost every post was done by someone who claimed to have been horribly abused and ‘ survived ‘. They were teachers, mothers, wives, counselors, bankers, women that live next door. To hear from so many survivors is a wonderful awe inspiring thing.
Yet there was not one post by anyone saying they hadn’t gotten over it. They were addicted to meth or some other drug. They were hurting their children. They were in an abusive relationship. Not a single one even mentioning nightmares or problems with their sexuality. Yet they are out there. Counselors know them. Addiction centers know them. Jails know them. I knew them from the hospitals I worked at. Very carefully, very deliberately they were pushed back. and hidden by the ” survivors ” like a dirty secret, the same way incest is not talked about in the families it happens in.
Why? Why can’t it be acknowledged that some people don’t get over a horrible thing like that? Why can’t it be pointed out that there are a large amount of drug users who were abused? Does it somehow make those who have gotten over the trauma feel that their peace and serenity is a sham? Worse yet you won’t hear from those victims. Most of them if they are in a lifestyle of drugs or abuse probably don’t have much interest in news. But there’s another sadder thought.
Maybe they already know they are being judged and looked down on not by the counselors trying to help them but by the survivors that want to pretend they don’t exist. I myself replied to the counselor even though I knew I was simply going to be hated and reviled I’ll add my post at the end of the article. I had hopes though that the tide would turn from how we all survived ( and don’t want to hear about the ones who are not as strong as them ) to this crime which is a tragedy!
What went wrong? How did this get missed for so long? Is the girl getting help? Can she get free counseling if she wants it? Can the family housing her use any kind of assistance? Somehow I have a feeling offers to help her avoid a hard possibly destructive road is going to come back to “survivors” fighting what they believe is an unfair stereotype…even though saying a majority, a few,or even less then 1% is not saying that EVERYONE who is sexually abused will have a horrible life and is therefore not stereotyping anyone.
Again ignoring the issue here which is the victim. The victims, not just this girl, but the victims that are perhaps feeling angry, envious, intimidated or maybe actively hating what they may perceive as a better hand then what they got dealt and withdrawing even more away from the help they need.Perhaps these people who are ” survivors ” should ask themselves what if they hadn’t gotten better? What if they had become addicted to drug? Turned to prostitution? Entered an abusive relationship? Just because you suffered as a child doesn’t give you the right to pass judgement upon those that have fallen into a darker path. I asked once why a friend of mine who had been raped by her stepfather all through high school and now has her life in order doesn’t visit more with her sister who also suffered and is now in an relationship were you can expect to see black eyes on a regular bases. Her answer will forever sadden me. She said ” She wants to live like that fine. She isn’t dragging me down into that hell again.”
As promised here is my post to the news articles i shudder to think of what backlash I will hear;
I used to work in the health field so I know where your coming from Meg and you are right a lot these men and women ( why yes people little boys can be victims too ) tend to carry this and let it influence their life. Happily however there are also a lot of those same people who choose to move on with their life and find peace just as these people here who proclaim to. Sadly though these are the only people we will hear from. No one is going to say I was abused and now i am abusing my son. I was abused and now I am hooked on meth. If they did we could help them. One has to wonder though if one of the reason these victims don’t speak out is because of how angry and harsh those people react to the very thought that someone might not become a survivor and might turn to drugs or abuse instead, I had a girl who stopped coming to meetings for that reason she said the other girls thought she was ‘ weak ‘ because she couldn’t leave her abusive boyfriend and we didn’t get the time to help her before she left. Tolerance people. It has to be a two lane road. If you moved on wonderful! God bless you and may you bring love to the people in your life! Please don’t put down and ignore and pretend that the people that are not as lucky or strong as you don’t exist.
A wonderful Disney song from ” The Hunchback of Notre Dame ” comes to mind for those who have been abused by those who were supposed to love them, who were neglected by those who were supposed to care for them;
“God help the outcasts, hungry from birth, show them the mercy, they don’t find on Earth. Please help my people we look to you still, God help the outcast, or nobody will.”