This is what pregnancy after infertility was like for me. When I first got that positive test, it was a flood of joy and hope. I always thought if I could just get pregnant I wouldn’t ever have to worry about infertility again. Prior to getting pregnant, I never worried about how I would feel when I finally did get pregnant, mostly because I really didn’t know if I would ever have that positive test. My concern was just that I would never get pregnant.
Over 4 years later, I finally got a positive pregnancy test after my second IVF. I felt so thankful. So shocked. So excited. Within hours though, I was completely overcome with fear. Not fear of being pregnant or fear of being a mother but just shear, paralyzing fear that now my baby would be taken from me. And at this point, I loved him already and would have done anything to keep him alive. I didn’t trust my body at all. I’ve been let down too many times by it and my uterus is not what I consider a safe haven for a developing baby. Every cramp, every twinge, lack of symptoms, moving fast, not moving enough, what I ate… it all left me terrified.
I didn’t expect anybody to feel sorry for me that I couldn’t “relax and enjoy being pregnant.” A stressful pregnancy is far better than no pregnancy at all, and I’m infinitely grateful for the experience. However, I was angry that I couldn’t get comfortable in my pregnancy. Angry that I loved this baby more than anyone in this entire world but that I couldn’t bring myself to think positive thoughts about the pregnancy or the future. I said things so guardedly. Like “if all goes well”, or “the plan is”, and “hopefully when the baby is born”.
I was so happy and excited about the baby, but I hadn’t been brave enough to be excited about him being on the outside . Every time he didn’t seem to move enough in there or moved too much or had hiccups or his heartbeat sounded too slow or too fast, I thought worst case scenario. I called my mom crying. I got stressed out and couldn’t function until things were back to “normal” which never lasted long because pregnancy is unpredictable. I probably ignored the things other pregnant women worry about. Those things seemed petty to me at that time. I would try to stay busy so I didn’t have time to worry, but then I would worry more because I didn’t having enough time to feel his kicks and make sure he was moving enough.
I wouldn’t trade even one day of my pregnancy for anything. Every time I had 5 minutes of reassurance, it was a miracle but I wouldn’t trade all the worrying for anything. I’m sometimes jealous other women get to have worry-free (or at least not worry-consumed) pregnancies, but going through infertility has just made me appreciate every day and every minute with this baby more. I don’t really want what they have because this was the pregnancy I was meant to have. The pregnancy I fought for and dreamed of and at the end of the day, it was perfect.