My dearest Nadia,
You are so far away from me. It has been two years and three months since I last saw you. I don’t know if I’ll ever see your face again. Tomorrow, we try to take back the village and push them back beyond some borders. I don’t really get it. Captain didn’t look so good when the orders were radioed in. Johnny says it’s a coordinated attack. All the regiments are pushing tomorrow.
We had the village for two weeks living quietly with the natives. Then three nights ago they came in the middle of the night swarming in from the jungle. We barely got out. I don’t know why the hell we’ve got to win back that shit hole. It’s blown half to bits anyway.
I don’t get it. Any of it. I don’t know why I’m here, I don’t even know what these orders mean. I just follow them like a dog. I wonder if I came back to you now, would you still smile to see me? I’m not that eager man that left you, trying to do service and shit. I’m a bitter dog, a blind fucked up dog.
Dave died when they swarmed us. He got hit. Remember when I wrote you a year ago about all those dreams I was having? Those crying kids and mothers because Captain forced me to go in and kill all the fathers. None of that happens anymore. Dave’s gone but it doesn’t hit me. It’s not going to.
I’m tired Nadia. I can barely sleep. I don’t feel for kids anymore. I saw one last week when we were in the village. He was just standing there watching me pile up a fort with sandbags. I looked straight at him. I saw his tired face beat up by all this unfair bullshit and just kept hauling ass with my sandbags so I can get extra rations. Captains a smart fuck. He gives out extra for the big dogs.
I can’t believe I didn’t feel for him. What would you think of me? Maybe all of this is for the best then. I’m a dog Nadia. And I’m gonna die tomorrow. I’m so tired. But I’m always on edge. Frayed but alert. Wired like my shits spiked with too much coffee. Like a caught rabbit but like the hound too, the one that’s hunting him.
It wasn’t always like this though. We’re short on supplies now. Short on ammo. We were getting picked apart in the jungle. It was a godsend when we found the village and took their food. But then when they found us three nights ago we had to run back to hide in the trees. And now some new orders from high up come saying we gotta take back this random shitty village and push them further beyond?. You know what we’re a suicide bunch, they’re using us for something big. That’s why this strategy feels fucking stupid.
That’s why I’m writing. In the middle of all of this hell here, there’s you far away. I wish you weren’t waiting for me. How can I even come back to you like I am now? How can I be in your arms again when I’m so dirty? I wish I would dream about you. I can’t remember your smile anymore. I lost the photo you gave me a while back. I had a really bad dream one night a while back. Woke up sweating and swearing grabbing for it. But it was gone. Some fucker probably took it for his own shitty nights.
Tell Pappa he’s right. I should never have come here. We’re dying for nothing. Maybe if I somehow make it back to you you can smile for me and make me feel again. I wish I could remember that smile. God I loved that smile.
Tell Mama I love her. Tell her I’m sorry I’m not gonna make it back. Tell her I’m sorry I let them take her boy. They took my heart Nadia that’s the worst of it. I’m a true soldier now. No dreams, no feelings, no love, no family, no questions. Just jumpy frayed trigger happy nerves ready to kill for orders. I don’t mind the killing anymore. I wonder how long I’ll last tomorrow. There’s so little of us and we’ve gotta rush in at first light. I won’t be sleeping tonight.
Somewhere deep down when I look real hard I can still feel our memories stirring up. Goodbye Nadia, have a bunch of kids and be happy drawing in your little studio. I know that’s all you need. But whatever they want to do, don’t let them join the army. It’ll kill them before the bullets rip his body. I can’t keep writing anymore. I’m pouring out the last ounce of feeling I got, it’s turning me soft. I can’t want to live. Fuck I don’t even know how this shit can reach you, what the hell.