I have never been good at getting my feelings out talking with other people but for some reason writing comes as naturally as the air I breathe. Ever since i was in high school it seems all i could focus on was living the dream and by that I mean getting married young and having kids. It wasn’t until i watched a video on natural childbirth that i decided there was no way I could ever do that because i was so afraid of pain. In high school people thought i was this happy person but on the inside it felt like i was dying. I was fighting this depression that took the best of me. Everyday i woke up i cried because i didn’t want to be here on this earth. i was fighting through all this emotional pain by cutting my wrists with broken glass and anything sharp in the house i could find. I felt horrible because sometimes i had such horrible mood swings i would just take it out on other people who didn’t deserve it. The day finally happened where i just couldn’t take it anymore. I ended up overdosing on pills and being taken to the hospital to the emergency room to have my stomach pumped. I spent 2 weeks in the hospital and when i went home things just got worse. I would cry so much to the point the only thing i could do was slit my wrists and watch the blood on my arms to stop myself from crying through the emotional pain. I figured I could just focus on the physical pain if that makes any sense. I was on medication that sometimes made things worse. I just didn’t care about life and i was angry i wasn’t allowed to die. When i went off my medication which was prozac onto something else it made me feel worthless. Finally everything just crumbled around me. i found out in high school i couldn’t go to Walt Disney World with my friends in chorus to sing there after i had a hotel with a friend i was going to stay with. The school thought I was to much of a risk and they didn’t want to be held responsible if anything happened when i was down there. I was also just going through my first real break up. My friends did everything to cheer me up but i felt like a failure and I was a nothing. One day i woke up and thought everything was taken away from me. I drank some Alcohol and took my antidepressants. The last thing i remember was my ex calling me and i wouldn’t talk to him. I was told i was in bed and my eyes rolled into the back of my head and my lips turned blue so my mom called 911. When they came I was so out of it I was told if I had been in bed for another hour I would of died. After the emergency room I went to another hospital for a few months then to Philadelphia for treatment on suicide. I lived away from home for 14 months. It was a long battle I never thought i would win but the day finally came when I got to go home. I had these kidspeace social workers who thought they were helping me but all they did was put me down. The worst thing one of them said to me was I see you as being locked up in hospitals all your life. I closed the door in my room and cried while the door was locked. It wasn’t until a meeting came with them that I couldn’t take it with them anymore because they made me feel worse which I thought was uncalled for. So that was what i learned pay attention to the medication your on because some will do more harm then good and always speak up for yourself so you get the treatment you deserve. After all it’s your battle that you are fighting and nobody has a right to tear you down. After all that i got a job and my best friend had a baby. I’ll never forget the first day I got to hold him and look into his handsome brown eyes. I got to hold a beautiful little boy who was the most adorable child I have ever seen. His father is what you call a sperm donor because he walked out on his son’s life and my friend pretty much raised him herself. I have to say she did a amazing job and if there was ever anything they needed I made sure they had it. I didn’t understand how you could love someone so much that you brought a life into this world only to walk away. I didn’t realize how much I wanted kids until I heard a co-worker talking about a baby shower and when I came home I cried my eyes out because my life felt so empty. that’s when I realized that even though giving birth is the most scariest thing you can go through in life your love creates the most beautiful thing that is a part of both of you put together. I have been through so much in my life that after fighting depression i ended up trusting a employee at a fair who was on his dinner break and that turned out to be a big mistake. Because i had trust issues I was so afraid to to in a relationship with what I thought was a great guy he got tired of waiting for me and left me in the dust. One day he had his arms around me and said I’ll see you again and never talked to me. I didn’t understand why until one day he came into my work and told me he was getting married. It was such a shock to my system. I cried for so long when he didn’t respond to my texts because i didn’t know what i did to get the silent treatment. I put my trust into some guy that told me I had nice eyes and he asked me to follow him so I did. We went into this small gated area at the fair and while i was sitting near him talking he touched me. I asked him to stop but he wouldn’t so i stood up quick and he put his arms around me waist and wouldn’t let go. I was screaming Get the hell off me! There were people at the fair I know they heard me but they ignored me. When I finally broke free I couldn’t believe what just happened then he told me you should of known what was going to happen dressing like that. I was wearing a skirt and a tank top to see a show that night which was not skimpy at all. I sat down on a bench and cried. I felt like I was destroyed. When i went home that night after the show I picked up a pair of scissors and cut my wrist pretty bad. I wasn’t fighting a depression this time I was trying to stop the flashbacks and what if’s. what if i told someone? what if he hurt another victim? But I was a coward and all I could do was run. I was messed up for a year where all i did was cry in the dark because the flashbacks were fresh and so strong. every time I went to sleep I could still see his face. I could feel his arms around my waist and I would wake up out of breath terrified I was going to come face to face with him again. Then all i could feel was this rage and hate. I looked at myself in the mirror and hated the person staring back at me. But in order to heal i bought this book on amazon and realized it wasn’t my fault it was his and i stopped cutting myself because i didn’t need another scar. I felt like I was slipping away and losing my mind I wanted to stop crying so badly. I look back at all that heartbreak and wonder sometime how I ever made it through life. I have to say I had a lot of great friends who were a good support system and would always listen to me. It took me a year to heal fully from the sexual assault. There were times I would have panic attacks when a guy even came near me but I fought all through that and won. Through depression I realized I could write poetry which is where I knew I wanted to be a writer in life. I also realized fighting the start of my depression I had a extraordinary boyfriend who wrote me everyday I was in the hospital the first time around and tried as much as he could to see me. He listened to me and gave me so much comfort and love I can honestly say I don’t know if I could of made it through life without him to lean on. it’s weird to think of how close I came to dying and having my whole life taken away to now just wanting to find love and create something so strong. a little boy or girl growing inside of me and one day look into their eyes while their tiny little fingers are holding onto me. I wrote this not so people feel sorry for me but to give someone strength that things will get better if you give it time. No matter how bad things get nothing is worth taking your life and even through the worst of times sometimes something so good can come out of all of it. Sometimes it isn’t until something really bad happens like when you try to take your life then you realize at the last minute how much you want to live.
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