It’s everyone’s nightmare. The person you love, the person you would die for, the love you intend to grow old with, the parent of your children, cheated on you. Many people will at once pitch a fit and demand that person get out of their life. Then they will cry and rail at fate for letting this happen. Often this is followed by a burning hatred for the third party involved.
Sadly this is a common thing now a days. Common not necessarily cause it’s happening more but because we tend to catch a straying mate more often. Because of the change in family dynamics we also have more power to leave. Years ago women didn’t have that chance. If you relied on a man for everything you were expected to turn a blind eye to his cheating as long as he still provided for your family. Emotions weren’t so much a factor as money was.
A woman who cheated in your Grandfather’s era would have been hurting plenty once she got caught. Because at that time the man had all the power and a woman couldn’t financially afford to hop from bed to bed. Doing so usually would risk her livelihood. Most women who fell into an affair usually had a huge amount of emotional attachment. Sometimes neither party cared since there wasn’t always love involved in the decision to get married.
I’m sure most people will claim that the only reason a man or woman would cheat now a days is because they fall out of love with their spouse and in love with someone else but that’s simply not true. Falling in and out of love is something that can be worked on and if you’ve committed yourselves to till death do you apart then you can learn to fall right back in love with counseling.
So if it’s not love what is it? First and foremost it’s sex. A lot of people will tout that no one sleeps with someone just for good sex that it has to be love and a lack of attention on a spouse’s part but if that is the case then why do a majority of affairs end badly? The show ‘ Cheaters ‘ has shown time and time again that a marriage or long standing relationship often times breaks up with the cheater and their lover getting together and loudly proclaiming love only to fall apart as soon the sex grows stale. This often times ends with one spouse begging the other to take them back.
Let’s be honest the person you love in bed because he’s more attentive then your spouse and makes time for you most likely only has that time to give you. Getting with him will probably prove that he is working just like everyone else and all that attentive time won’t be worth the clock hands that he has to watch to get to work and back or worse yet if you are married and he is married you can pretty much guarantee that you will be second fiddle and not worth the divorce he would have to go through. Especially since you won’t be the only woman ( or man ) willing to have an affair with no hope of a future. If they are not married and not working then you are looking at the same dynamic again. One sitting home bored and lonely and the other resentful of how much they must work.
Sadly the term once a cheater always a cheater does have merit because once someone has cheated once and not been caught they know they have a good chance of cheating again and not getting caught. They find that cheating fixes everything from lack of sex in a relationship, to ego stroking, to a power trip. Now people can and do change, but they won’t unless they get help to understand why they’ve been cheating all this time. If they don’t get help then the issue whatever it might be is still there.
That being the case we need to start asking ourselves honestly, do we want to know? Imagine this, your marriage is good but both of you work. You start getting a bad suspicion that your spouse is having an in office affair. It would be easy to find out but what will you do when you do find out? Most people go on an offense and go for an emotional blood letting. Then once they feel they have punished the other party they grudgingly agree to marriage counseling.
Why not just go straight to marriage counseling? Obviously if you are willing to work on your marriage then whether or not your loved one is cheating is nothing but salt in the wound isn’t it? The fact that many people choose to move on after an affair is proof that marriages can survive them.
So, if you suspect an affair the first thing to do is ask yourself what outcome do you want for you? Do you want to save your marriage? Are you looking to confront the adulterer just so you can justify your anger at them? Do you just want it to stop? When you ask yourself those things then your course of action gets a little clearer. A person doesn’t have to find out about an affair before they seek help or seek a separation.
Does this mean that it’s ok to cheat if your partner doesn’t find out? No. There are other factors that need to be considered. These factors are unique to our society today. STD’s are at an all time high and every day several new cases are cropping up. The medication that is available simply makes it easier for people with STD’s to pass them on. Sadly this is effecting not just marriage’s but lives.
Children are another sad aspect of affairs. While men and women can try to avoid having children nothing is foolproof and having a child with someone you intended to only have a one night stand with is a tragedy for the child and unfair especially if you have children at home.
Lastly there is a darker aspect. There are many people out there who are not in full control of their emotions. It’s possible to sleep with someone without intending to see them again and suddenly finding them stalking you. Harassing your spouse and children and perhaps even becoming a danger to them.
These are all points I hope every takes into consideration when it comes to indulging in an affair or hiring detectives to sniff out affairs. In Most cases marriage counseling is a much safer and more satisfying alternative.