When reflecting, people are more upfront and honest. This is because past tense is easier to be brutal once the events are over then when the events were taking place.
I remember being fake. I faked a smile. I faked happiness.
I remember being in a one-sided relationship. There was no give and take. There was no compromise.
I remember never being able to enjoy shutting down for a few days by doing normal people things. The other person always chose to drink and hide out from the world instead.
I remember crying myself to sleep more times than I wish to count.
I remember his family trying to break us up, and starting us down a downhill spiral.
I remember all holidays and traditions not mattering because they got in the way of what he wanted.
I remember few knowing the struggle I was in well. A few select friends knew, and were great shoulders to cry on.
I remember rage. He raged when he drank, and was hateful and spiteful due to being hurt in his past.
I remember learning how to hate the man I once fell in love with.
I remember everything getting back on track and the alcohol not taking first place.
I remember when the bottom dropped. He could barely lift himself into his truck and his legs couldn’t function right around the three pedals.
I remember hospital after hospital, trying to remember what was wrong.
I remember the day we got out of the truck.
I remember both of us crying.
I remember being scared, unsure of our future.
I remember being annoyed and pissed at everyone, for everyone knew what was best for us, even though they weren’t us.
I remember losing many friends who couldn’t understand why I was so bitter.
I remember facing he was disabled, and the shock, grief, and anger that brought.
I remember him crying daily, the pain was so extreme.
I remember our friends, and some strangers, helping us get back on our feet.
I remember going through the same “charities” I’ve sent others through, and realizing why they gave up hope. One lost our paperwork several times, and then lectured us like we were children.
I remember realizing the same people we try to help with Trucking Santas every year were in the same boat as us for once.
I remember the feeling of hopelessness and drowning.
I remember taking charge, getting a management job, and being the bread winner.
I remember him becoming an addict to pills.
I remember how bitter and angry he became toward me.
I remember a dear friend talking me out of doing something stupid.
I remember saving his life when he took too many pills.
I remember opening the door and telling him it was me or the pills.
I remember him flushing the pills, and deciding to only take them when it was unbearable.
I remember disability turning him down.
I remember so-called friends talking shit because they weren’t in our situation, but all of a sudden were experts on our lives and how we should do things. Obamacare was the answer and I had better confirm to their libtard ideologies or they would ruin me.
I remember worrying about the future of The Trucker’s Voice, Trucking Santas, and other projects.
I remember fighting to ensure families in need received Christmas, even though we couldn’t afford to pay our bills.
I remember a handful of friends that still to this day help on occasion because I’m still playing catch up.
I remember finding the strength in myself to hold up all the weight of the world.
I remember him deciding to go to college, due to the fact that with his back he will never drive again.
I remember being even more worried. I now have to take care of us and put him through college.
I remember beating myself up every day. I go after myself for my weight, for my disabling injury hindering me from having two jobs, for my physical flaws, for everything I possibly can.
I remember facing the truth. I’ve loathed myself for a long time. I’m one that wants perfection but can not be perfect. My life can not be perfect.
I remember coming to a new realization. I am just fine. I need to quit butchering myself down.
Thank you to all the friends that have supported me, and will continue to do so. It is you who have kept me moving, and you who have kept me strong!