So back to playstation. Let’s face it, we are at our very best when engaged with “Call of duty”, or some other game. We do not want to be bothered. We, as men, are pretty predictable. Some Dutch guy understood this and found out a way to reduce urine spillage in Amsterdam’s Schiphol airport by placing a fly sticker near the urinal’s drain. Why? Because, if given something to focus on, we, as men, become more attentive. It takes a man to understand a man, and Richard Thaler, the famed economist, based his theory about behavioral economics on this concept, which he named “Nudge.” But that’s a different story.
You’re deep in the danger zone. You’re razor sharp, and in all out combat mode. Your sound system is blasting while you’re playing and suddenly you’re interrupted by your phone. It’s your girlfriend. You don’t pick up, you can’t. She calls again. Then again. After a while you’ve completed your mission. Game over, at least for the day. You return your girlfriend’s phone call. She’s upset. Why? Go figure, but she’s is upset because you didn’t pick up. And then she is upset because you were playing videogames. And she is upset because that “dumb videogame” depleted all your mental energy. Then she is upset about being upset. Anyway, you both hang up in amicable terms. You go get something to eat, and she starts thinking.
This is when it gets interesting. Like a hurricane picking up wind, she comes to realize she just got 400 likes on her last instagram selfie and not a single compliment from you… Speaks volumes. So she summons all her BFFs (acronym standing for Best Friends Forever in teenage parlance) to her pink war room (bedroom) for a critical summit. This is where everything you ever wrote on Facebook and Whatsapp and iMessage can and will be used against you.
So, it’s finally friday and a great day and you’re with your girlfriend who is acting a bit strange (distant if pick up on the signals). Just another great moment to have some fun. Then, as many other times, you go for a kiss, though this time, she stops you. “We need to talk” she says. I know, I’ve been here too.
“About what?” you reply. After all, it’s sunny and warm, everybody is happy and nobody will live forever right? Well, it doesn’t matter. She is still upset. Long story short, you’ve been labeled an insensitive bastard. And the proof is in the pudding. She has, with the aid of her loyal lackeys -who all secretly love the drama- cherry picked your most distasteful text messages from the days of yore.
“You need to change.” So here you are, facing an evolutionary dilemma, do something (What exactly?) and change or be forgotten and stoned into misery among every dateable girl in the tri-state area, via text message.
So let’s say you decide to finally do something about it. You’ve had enough but you can’t just call it quits like that. She won’t have it, neither will her friends. They’ll want blood. So you need to be decisive.
Here are a few a ideas about how to break with her:
Firstly you need to butter her up. Make up to her, tell her you will quit you’re pathetic little self and evolve into her ideal man. You’re maturing. Once you do this, you go for the next phase:
Case Method #1: The Movie
You ask her to come over to watch a movie. She proposes a chick flick or a romantic comedy. Just the thought of having to endure, once again, on of those makes you sick to the stomach, this is your time to pick. One of the great things about the 21st century is explicit sex in mainstream movies right? Use it to your advantage, tell her about a movie she will love. Sell it to her as if it were “The Notebook.” She is stoked. Then you put in Michael Winterbottom’s “Nine Songs” or Lars Von Trier’s “Nymphomaniac.” She will hate you. If she doesn’t leave you, take action and do it quickly.
Case Method #2: Led Zeppelin
You’re chauffeuring her while she is doing her make up (again), when she is off her phone you blast “Baby, I’m gonna leave you” by Led Zeppelin on your car stereo. Look at her and ask her to listen to the lyrics. Then when the song is over, don’t wait, pull over and ask her to get off the car (make sure it’s within a mile radius from her house). She will be ok and if she get’s nervous you just say “You’ve got google maps on your phone, use that for a change.”
Case Method #3: The Keith Richards
Though a bit passé, it’s totally fail safe. Show up at her home, unannounced, and crash her family Sunday BBQ. Needless to say, you’ve had no sleep and all the drinks you could afford. Bring a guitar, and while Daddy works on the hamburgers, you serenade her Mom. Then you walk out and never return.
This is a worst case scenario “how to” guide. In most cases your girlfriend won’t be like that and she won’t use her social media feedback as her esteem booster benchmark, among other things. So enjoy her and life and move forward problem free.