As I write this, one of the few breaks in the relentless coverage of the missing Malaysian plane on the news has been taken up by the horrifying disaster of a ferry in South Korea that, apparently due to dereliction of duty by its captain, has resulted in multiple drowning deaths, one suicide by hanging and–at this moment–more than 300 missing passengers. Most of them teenagers. The news of the Korean ferry disaster follows hard upon that story of the Malaysian plane that–at this moment–seems to have ended its mysterious flight in the deep waters of the Indian Ocean. In between, those two stories was yet another one of an American cruise ship in crisis. The point being that you just never known when you are going to find yourself struggling for dear life in the water.
The need to use your pants to save your life as you do everything humanly possible to stay afloat in an ocean or lake or any other body of water is not something that is going to happen to a lot of people. But here’s the thing: probably everybody who has ever been forced to turn pants into a flotation device never thought they would need to, much less ever saw it coming. You just never known. Step onto a plane and chances are you will be flying over water at some point. Get onto an unsinkable ship and you are just asking for trouble.
The number of people who are on a cruise ship at any given time is greater than the number of people attending any Super Bowl in person. The biggest megaships in the most popular cruise lines are capable of carrying in excess of 3,000 passengers alone. And that number doesn’t include the crew. The point is that it is always good to have information you may never use rather than to have information you need to use. Confused? Then read on to find out how to save your life if you should ever fall troubled waters while wearing pants.
The first thing you need to do to save your life if you land in the ocean wearing pants is to take off the pants. This may be easier said than done. After all, you will likely be in a state of panic and the mere fact that you fell into the water wearing pants indicates a strong possibility that alcohol is in your system.
After successfully removing your pants, the next thing to do is tie up the legs of your pants at the bottom. That is, you need to tie a knot at the bottom of the right leg and tie a knot at the bottom of the left leg. The situation should be thus: your feet would no longer protrude if you were to put the pants back on while at sea.
The next part is the perhaps the most difficult. You must find the power and motivation and ability to be able–while bobbing in the water with your arms above the surface–to fling the pants in the air until your arms are stretched out to the max. Hold the waist open as much as possible. The effect you are trying to get is locking air inside the tubes that you have made from the knotted pant legs. Pull your pants down then quickly cinch the belt so that enough air is trapped inside the now-balloon like pants that you use your pants as a makeshift floater. If you don’t have a belt, but you were wearing shoes when the water disaster occurred, remove the shoelaces and use them as a belt.
Obviously, this method of staying alive if you fall overboard and manage to make like Leo and Kate after your ship sinks won’t work if you are not equipped with a belt for the cinching. If you find yourself in that position, look around for anything that could be used as a belt for cinching your pants together.
With the pants legs filled with air and cinched so no air escapes, you should get some serious floating time before the air leaks out, which it will almost certainly do eventually.