I miss my grandfather so much. I lost him in October 2012, about a week before I moved to California. He was so excited for me to be living my dream. Sometimes, I feel like I’m letting him down somehow by not doing more towards my career. I miss him so much.
Now that he’s gone I regret not telling him that I’m gay. I know on some level he had to have known. But I should have been able to tell him. I should have been able to say it to his face. I feel like he died not knowing who I really was. I don’t know how he would have reacted and I never will but I should have been able to do it.
When he was laying in the hospital slowly drifting away from me, I kissed him and told him I loved him and that I’d see him soon. For a second, just for a small moment, I hung there, peering over him. With my lips inches from his ear, I hesitated. The words, “Grandpa, I’m Gay” were at the tip of my tongue.
I refrained. I pulled back. I was scared to admit to him who I really was. Part of me thinks it’s because I’m still afraid to admit to myself who I really am. I don’t know. All I know is those were the last words I ever said to my grandfather. I wish I had more time to do and say the things I didn’t.
He was the only stable male figure in my life and I love him with all of my heart. I wish I could have expressed it in depth with him. I hope he knows how much he means to me; Forever.
Don’t take your loved ones for granted. Tell them how you feel. Treat them well and with respect. Because one day, they really will be gone.
Grandpa, I’m gay. I miss you so much. I love you. I hope you’re proud.