I’m a full blown case of depression in a nice button up. I can even hold my shit together long enough to convince a pretty girl or two that I’m not damaged.
Then there is you, beautifully broken and hopelessly in love you. I wish that I still had a heart to offer. I pray everyday that it will be returned before you are fed up with the effects of my pain.
But I think we both know it won’t. I gave my heart to the wrong girl and sold my soul to a band of traveling thieves. They promised me a family in trade but instead took my humanity.
In poorly packaged pieces I returned home to you. Seeing no reason why I wouldn’t become attached. Now it is too late to take back that fatal illusion. I swear, I didn’t understand the full price I had paid.
You have no reason to be jealous of her. I am not capable of loving her either. But yes, I did love her then. I know to you that is my only unforgivable sin.
You see me as I used to be. Who I was before I moved away, fell for her and lost all of them. I don’t wish I was that person anymore because in all the chaos I did an amazing amount of healing.I do wish that it had been you.
But it wasn’t and wishes don’t come true. I cannot be retroactively committed nor can I survive the constant shame that comes from knowing you deserve more.
I have to hurt you to make sure that you are available for the real thing. I’m not proud of letting this go on as long as it has but I’m not perfect. And though I lost the ability to love, you are the closest I have come to remembering how it feels.
For that I am grateful but guilty as hell. Because your love and trust I’m just using to not feel so alone. Your warmth conceals my lack of a pulse momentarily. But you are not the only warm body that I call on. For this I am wrong.
I’m afraid to lose you because I know that one day I will want nothing more than you. Although that day is not upon us, we are both trapped in my perpetual night of depravity. That is why I must release you into another’s light.
Make the introduction and walk away, loosing myself in the crowd. Staying only long enough to make sure your eyes are no longer hopeful that I will be found.