We all do things we aren’t supposed to do. My Dad watches way to much sports center, and Mom doesn’t rinse out her dirty dishes before she puts them in the dishwasher, and my best friend Jersey eats her own poop. So, I figured it wouldn’t be a problem for me to sneak a sock or two out of the closet when no one was looking.
Socks are the best! They smell like toe jam and dirt, and on a good day taste salty and sour all at once. The best kind are the ones my humans have worn all day. I can’t keep my nose off of them! I’m drooling just thinking about the smorgasbord of smells and tastes. Needless to say my humans have started to shut the closet door to keep me away from them. Like all the other things in life I love, everything is put away where my paws can’t reach. My food is in the big plastic rolling container with locking lid, my chicken jerky is high in the air inside the cabinet, and my favorite, apples, are shut up in the big cold box in the kitchen. Naturally, the first opportunity I’m offered one of these delights I devour it enthusiastically. Which leads me back to the socks.
On a regular weekday afternoon Dad comes home from work and lets me out of my kennel. On this particular day after he let me out he made an unscheduled trip to the bathroom for an extended period of time and left the closet door wide open. I made my entrance quietly and quickly made my selection. Two little black ankle socks, ripe for the picking! I went ever so silently back to the living room rug and began to savor my selections. I had tasted socks before, but never one so decadent. I was halfway through a good slobber on the first sock when I decided I couldn’t waste such a treasure and swallowed it. The second sock didn’t last as long. Once I got two or three good licks in I gulped it down. Life was good, and what was even better is no one would ever have to know, or so I thought.
Three days later I thought I was dying. My stomach felt like I’d eaten one of those stinky tree rats we see laying in the middle of the street on walks. I couldn’t keep my food down, and I’d gone to the bathroom so many times I figured my colon would show up on the outside of my body at any moment. Mom and Dad were worried. They brought me home some pills and coated them in peanut butter for me. At that point I stopped throwing up, but my stomach was still revolting. It made all these horrible gurgling sounds, and I had gas. Gas so horrible I couldn’t even sit through the smell. I can normally take it, I even like my stench a little, but not these farts. These farts were straight from the bellows of my hellish pit for a stomach. I knew it had to be the socks, but I couldn’t tell Mom and Dad, so I moped around and wallowed in self pity.
When I had finally conceded to defeat and knew all was lost, my colon came calling for once last battle. Dad took me outside and I sniffed out the perfect poop plot. As I squatted in self despair something strange happened. I could not poop. I pushed and pushed and when I looked back at my butt all I saw was nothing! What was happening to me? I hunkered down and with determination in my furry soul I pushed with all my might. I heard Dad say something and the next thing I knew he had his hand by my rear end pulling the sock from my crippled colon. Suddenly I was free. I couldn’t believe it! I felt wonderful! All the pain was gone! Life was great! I was jumping on Dad, running around the yard like rabbit in a lettuce patch.
Ten minutes later we were inside when the pain kicked back in. This time I wasn’t worried. I ran to the door and Dad took me back out. Following pooch protocol, I sniffed out the perfect poop patch and squatted. Again, I gathered all my abdominal strength and pushed. Bam! Out shot sock number two! I vaguely remember Dad’s astonished face and him saying something about me being the luckiest offspring of a female dog. I didn’t have the slightest idea what he meant but we were both happy and that’s all that mattered.
From that day forward I decided to only steal socks in front of Mom and Dad. They yell at me and remind of that time I ate socks and almost died.