1. The only time Law and Order ever says, “The following story is fictional and does not depict any actual person or event” is when they are TOTALLY going to do a nonfictional story about actual people and events.
2. The difference between dogs and cats is that you can train a dog to walk behind you.
3. It’s not fair, but fat people have to dress better when they go out. When you see a skinny person in sweats, you think they are fresh from a workout. When you see a fat person in sweats, you think “What a slob; couldn’t even get dressed to leave the house.”
4. Please quit offering the weak argument that spelling is not grammar. Grammar Nazis already understand this not-very-fine point. We are multitaskers.
5. When the cookie recipe calls for butter, one must not use oil. And one must definitely not use olive oil.
6. I always watch TLC’s Extreme Cheapskates with a mixture of fascination and disgust. You know, I think I watch every single one of TLC’s programs that way. Maybe that’s what they are going for. They should change their name from The Learning Channel to The Freak You Out Channel.
7. Subscribing to things that you don’t have time to read is only going to lead to frustration and regret.
8. I understand we all make mistakes, but if the situation merits it, I will not be denied a hearty laugh at your expense. Just so you know.
9. Watching two guys punching the crap out of each other is distressing. But watching two guys dressed up as team mascots punching the crap out of each other is HILARIOUS.
10. I never knew about punching the ends of the box of tinfoil or plastic wrap inward to form a convenient holder until I read it in one of those “life-hacking” articles. I have read it in every single “life-hacking” article ever since. Clearly this is one of the most important things that we, as a society, must learn about.
11. There are still approximately 7 billion people on the planet who don’t know how to solve a Rubik’s cube, so…no shame in it.