I like bacon as much as the next person–heck, I probably like bacon more than the next guy. Especially if the next guy is from one of those Semitic religions. Despite my love of bacon, however, I must pose the question: when did bacon launch a successful plan for world domination?
Have you tried the bacon chocolate? Not bacon flavored chocolate, but actual chocolate bars with bacon bits in them. And not really bacon bits, but real bits of bacon. Those of you who think that bacon chocolate is about as far as you could possibly go with placing bacon where it doesn’t really belong are about to step into a brave new world.
Baconnaise! It’s not just mayonnaise, it’s mayonnaise that comes with bacon flavor already built in. Actually, that’s not a bad idea at all. I personally can only take mayo when it is in a chicken salad and even then I like it with a minimum of naise. Adding bacon flavor to the mayo could only improve that particular condiment. Where’s that brave new world of bacon that I promised you?
How about bacon flavored gum? Yeah, chewing gum that is bacon flavored. Actually, now that I think about it, that’s not a bad idea either. Much. I mean, heck, bacon flavored gum is preferable to those Bertie Botts jelly beans flavored like earwax or vomit, right? The smell of bacon could make even Ed Gein’s house inviting, but there’s a big difference between the delicious smell of bacon and the taste. Not sure if chewing gum would last more than 30 seconds inside my mouth, but it would be interesting to try.
Don’t like chewing gum? Try bacon flavored popcorn. Place this popcorn in your microwave and just mere minutes later you are eating small bits of exploded corn that comes with a built-in flavor of bacon. Of course, if the popcorn isn’t quite bacon flavored enough, you can always make it more so by sprinkling some bacon flavored salt over it. Now, after downing a cup of bacon flavored popcorn you will want to get that bacon flavor out of your mouth before engaging in some deep and probing kisses, right? No? Okay, then pop a bacon flavored after-dinner mint into your mouth. Perhaps they should change the name: if it’s bacon flavored, can it really be a mint as well?
Breakfast is, of course, the perfect time to eat bacon. Also pancakes. Why split the difference when you can make bacon flavored pancakes? Forget blueberries or chocolate chip; those are so 1980s. Get yourself some bacon pancake mix and you halve your breakfast cooking time.
Think bacon is merely content with dominating the world’s food products? Ah, as my high school friend Tiger used to say, you are so knave. You can find Mr. Bacon action figures (you can find him in my youngest son’s bedroom, in fact) or you can play Mr. Bacon’s Big Adventure. Seriously. A bacon board game.
Look around you and smell the bacon. World domination from this delicious part of the pig is underway.