This is the poem I swore that I’d never write. These are the words that were never meant to escape my mind. But I am in desperate need of sleep.
Hopefully this purge will grant me a few hours of peace. I’m simply buying time as of now. Waiting for the shift that they all say is coming.
Just to be clear this isn’t a poem about the person, it is an ode to the memory. The expectations that I’m learning to release.
When I look into the eyes of whoever is currently warmer my bed. I see the eyes that changed my life. She wasn’t the first or the last.
I mean hell, it took me a week to be knee deep in something else. But I couldn’t seem to give them my heart. It was more like ” Let’s just get into something kinky…I don’t really feel like talking.”
As a matter of fact, I wasn’t really even that into eye contact. It all ends the same, they end up hurt and I finally have to admit that I’m thinking of her.
This shit here is pathetic. Eight months and counting…I still can’t really even get into dating. It’s not all about her, it’s the loss of everything.
You see…it’s a knot all tied together. I can’t work on one without the other. I am unable to separate where the grief from one ends and the abandonment from the other begins.
It just is. Constant and strong as hell. The worst part is I have this feeling that being able to talk to her about it might help.
Although that is almost humorous at this point. I mean shit…I can’t even tell you what she believes about me. Maybe it’s better that way.
That she has no idea how the last eight months have treated me. But if I could say one thing it would just be that I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I checked out. That I couldn’t take it square on the chin and keep moving. That I didn’t know how to be her friend.
I couldn’t support her decisions. Couldn’t get past the ways in which she didn’t handle it. You don’t get to hurt someone like that and expect nothing to change. It didn’t make sense..
None of which changes the wrong that I did. I made her question the fact that I ever cared. Even let her doubt the very foundation of who I am.
I didn’t handle it well either, that’s for damn sure. Although I do know that if she called me up tonight and needed something I would be right there.
As much as it hurts to say, I still love her. I loved her every moment of every day that we spent together. That never changed even as everything else did.
She is the only person who’s eyes held my future. Within them I saw our life together, I held our children. But that was just one option.
One road we could of chosen. She picked another and I have always been hell bound. I will always be grateful for autumn.
For the way her face would light up as the leaves began to change. How she would blush when I caught staring at me.
The way she would giggle when she did something sneaky, cold feet at two in the morning. I could go on all night about the things I will never forget.
Although none of that matters. They are just memories that bring out an almost foreign softer side of me. But still I indulge…only on occasion.