About a month ago I had a meltdown while I was in the house by myself. For some crazy reason, I decided to review my life, just moments before I had to go to sleep (because that’s when my deepest thoughts usually come to me. How convenient!), and I felt somewhat disappointed. Mind you, I have a full-time job, I have a house, a car that takes me where I need to go, I pay my bills (not always on time, but they get paid) and a wonderful family. What could I possibly be disappointed about?
I felt that I had wasted so much time being shy, insecure or waiting for the opportunities to just fall from the sky. I felt that my best years (my “young” years) had passed me by and I had not lived them to the fullest. So I found myself thinking I’m too old or just not the right age to do certain things. I’m stuck! This is it! And to make matters even worst, I’m only 30 years old. For the rest of my life, all I can do is work, pay bills, exercise (when I feel like it), and when I can afford it, indulge on something, which will maybe mean a bill not getting paid on time.
I broke down. I called my mother, crying, and I told her I had always wanted to do so many things, and I never did. Now I am stuck in this routine, I am bored, I am tired and how could I possibly feel this way when I’m only 30? She was silent for a minute, then laughed at me. OUT LOUD. I didn’t like that she laughed at me, I wasn’t making a joke, I honestly felt disappointed of my life.
My mom, said to me “Being an adult is not easy, sometimes it sucks. But its up to you to turn it around.” Really? It’s up to me? I don’t know what to do, that’s why I am calling you. Everything that I want to do either requires a lot of money or I just don’t feel right doing it. To which she answered “Then maybe you need to find who you really are and what it is that you really want to do?”
That’s when it hit me. It was nobody’s fault but mine where my life was at the moment. I kept thinking about the past, and what I wanted to do and didn’t, but it never crossed my mind what I can do now and what I can do tomorrow. I was the one who had established this routine for myself. Nobody ever said that when I became an adult my life was going to become an assembly line. I made it that. I boxed myself in and forgot how to come out.
So I started making small changes. I began exercising- at first I was exhausted, but then I saw my body changing and it motivated me to continue. 12 pounds gone! I told my husband we were going to do a different activity every month, some together and some on our own. Just yesterday I went to a writing class, then I went hiking with my husband. I had a great time.
I am a work in progress. I am slowly learning to be an adult that doesn’t allow the routine to consume the most of my life. I am branching out, trying new things within my means, and definitely loving the new me. Adulthood doesn’t have to suck, at least not all the time. I know it’s cheesy but I have to say it “Life is what you make it.” It truly is.