I just read Stephen Reich’s May 2nd article (http://www.elizabethstreet.com/living/stephen-reich-dating-thoughts) and felt that it deserved a fair and substantive reply – shockingly, we’re not all vapid, superficial, selfie-obsessed, Instagram whores. Frankly, I don’t like those women any more than men do. It’s because of those women that men think they can act like assholes online (because, giving them the benefit of the doubt here, most them are assumedly not actually assholes). But you know what? There are actually some nice and genuine women looking to meet nice and genuine men. And we’re not immune either and it sucks every time a guy treats me like a piece of shit. So, right back at you…here are my thoughts to your top ten female fails in the dating realm of NYC and my top six men fails in the dating realm of NYC (trust me, I could come up with 10 but 6 is bitching enough).
Stephen Reich’s problems:
1. Not showing up. Honestly, who even does this? It’s disgusting and disrespectful. I’ve been lucky to never have it happen to me but frankly, if a person (guy or girl) thinks it’s ok to treat someone like this, I don’t even want to know that person as a friend.
2. Constantly rescheduling/canceling plans. First, get over it. I don’t know what kind of job you have but most people in NYC bust their asses far more hours of the day than anyone should ever work and along with that comes constant meetings and changes in plans. Second, check your ego or insecurity at the door – it has nothing to do with deciding you’re undateable. Seriously, even if you are dateable and we fall madly in love, this is still going to happen all the time. Third, get over yourself. It has nothing to do with not being in control of my social calendar or not respecting yours. It’s the way it is when you have a big job in a big city. And, by the way, I’m not cancelling to instead have dinner with Zoe – I’m stuck in the office. And I cancel on Zoe all the time. But she understands because she has a real job too.
3. Running up the tab. Sadly, it’s true that it is socially expected for the man to pay. But give us a break here. I would never order rounds while my date was in the bathroom solely because I expected him to pay. And, it sounds good in theory for the girl to offer to pay but that’s a double edged sword. The few times I’ve done it, the guy hasn’t been too receptive to the offer as if it’s somehow insulting. So, maybe you should figure out what hurts more – having your ego or your wallet bruised. But, I also wouldn’t hold it against my date if he accepted – in fact, I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it. If we’re already playing passive aggressive games on the first date, I don’t think we’re going to have a very good long-term relationship. As far as the cab ride home…who the hell would expect the date to pay for that? Honestly, I think you’re just dating the wrong girls.
4. Grandstanding. First, it sometimes matters if we ride the subway. And it isn’t about grandstanding. Before making obnoxious judgments, why don’t you put 4 inch heels on and a dress and then try to run up and down subway stairs and cram yourself into a subway? It’s generally not an enjoyable experience and not the way a first date should go. If we’re going to a baseball game for our first date, then hell yeah we’ll take the subway. Otherwise, put your big boy pants on and pay for that taxi ride. Second, it’s definitely not the end of the world if you’re a little late (see #2 above) and you’re amazing if you gave a heads up. Third, where are you finding these girls?
5. Texting/Instagramming/posting/answering calls on a date. Yeah, this is rude. We live in a rude world. I totally agree with you. Except that sometimes there is a call or email that you have respond to at 8pm. (see #2 above). But, yes there’s a polite way to do it and once or twice for work is totally ok. Using your phone to socialize all through the date, not ok. Although, admittedly, I’ve also done that many times and it’s usually on purpose to indicate to my date that I’m not digging him. Just saying. Regularly taking and posting pictures of food or drink is just pathetic in general. It’s food. Let’s move on.
6. Bad profile pics. Also, pictures of you with a tiger. Clearly that thing is crazy sedated and you’re not Tarzan. By the way, looks are a big something to girls too.
7. Yeah. Maybe that’s when I start texting friends.
8. Agreed. Although this is probably more a girl thing than a guy thing. But, I don’t like those girls either.
9. Grow up. This isn’t fifth grade and we’re not kissing on the playground. And, by the way, you’re not special because you’re a guy. Girls like kissing too. Perhaps, we just don’t like kissing other people that we don’t like or didn’t have a good time with. And, why don’t you try not to make the situation occur at all by thinking you’re entitled to a kiss just because you’re a guy. Maybe you’d actually get a second date from someone who liked you but just doesn’t want to swap spit after knowing you for 3 hours.
10. Is it really that big of a deal if a girl wants to be upfront and figure out, long before deeper feelings get involved, if you’re like every other loser who just wants to get laid? There’s a reason you’re 36 and single. Most of you, or the normal ones at least, do have “that clock” and made commitments 8-10 years ago. Grow up.
My top 6 problems:
1. Not answering messages. Who the hell do you think you are and who raised you? First, you’re online dating which by definition, entails awkwardly and unnaturally communicating with strangers via online messages. So, if you don’t answer them, it’s kind of a non-starter. Second, it’s just plain rude and it feels like crap to be ignored. I have a general rule, I answer every message I get (and yes, I’m just as busy as all you arrogant jerks out there who have defended your rude actions when I’ve called you out on it by telling me you’re so busy). If you approached me in the real world, I couldn’t and wouldn’t just walk away and treat you like a piece of shit so why is hiding behind a computer screen any more acceptable? Guess what? It’s not! Most of the time I don’t want to talk to or meet the guy who wrote to me but it literally takes 5 seconds to maturely say “no thanks”. For the schmucks who reply to your rejection with a nasty email, they’re schmucks but at least you have some dignity. Do unto others right? That’s third grade science.
2. Not giving girls a chance. Yeah, this probably only applies to online dating and sadly, it is way too easy to shop online. But, I just don’t get this. Here’s a tip – either stop complaining about you don’t want a shallow girl with mirror selfies in bikinis and date outside “your type” of STFU. I’ve had two serious boyfriends – neither would I have considered “my type”. Guys always like me and tell me I’m cute. But, I’m sarcastic and a little snarky and 5’1″ and not insanely gorgeous. I’m consistently rejected online for not being “your type”. Guess what? You’re not going to find your perfect girl online. It’s the same as the real world and we all have to be a little flexible. So, grow up. And sure, I get if you went out with every girl you’d be bankrupt. But, figure out how to figure out the normal and real ones. And then you can stop bitching about dating.
3. Stupid shit in your profile. Yes this only applies to online dating, which is stupid enough but even so, if your profile says or has any of this, you’re a douche (see my reasons below):
– You’re a foodie – because that’s just a weird way to say you like food. And also akin to taking selfies. Aaannnddd..
– You take selfies. Sure we all slip up from time to time but guys, really? Just no. Unless you’re standing in front of the mirror with your shirt pulled up and just barely pulling down your pants enough to see right below your belly button so your amazing 8 pack is totally visible. Because really, that’s irresistible.
– You’re living life to the fullest. What does that even mean? But if you’ve figured out some formula for calculating such a statistic, you should probably create a website, post those percentages, get bought out by a bigger, more expensive website and then really go fill up life.
– You state that you have a great group of friends. I would think that makes sense because why would you be friends with people you don’t like.
– You state you love your family. It would be kind of weird if you wrote you hate your family. TMI for a dating profile I think. So isn’t loving your family just the default?
– You’re looking for a partner in crime. Are we going to rob banks together?
– You don’t look like your pics – wait, what? Are people really using fake pics online?
4. Asking to split the bill when it comes. Yeah, I get it, NYC is crazy expensive. I live here too and I have a brother so I feel for you guys. And, yeah, guys are expected to pay whether or not that’s hypocritically chauvinistic to women constantly fighting for equality. But, even so, when the bill comes, if you look at me and say “so we’ll split it”, you can get lost. Fast.
5. Not offering to get some food. I’m coming to meet you straight from work and guess what? I’m hungry. Here’s the thing – most of the time, I’d say no anyway to respect the bill. Or simply order something cheap and light. But, it’s not about the actual food. It’s about showing me that you have feelings and recognize that I haven’t eaten in 5 hours.
6. Not knowing how to write a proper message or how to use the phone. Ok, here’s my only exception to my rule of answering every message. If you just write “hi” or some stupid shit and don’t introduce yourself or clearly don’t know how to talk to a girl, then I’m ignoring you. If you don’t know what this means, ask a girl friend or a co-worker or a normal guy before sending a message. Or, better yet, think about how you would like to receive a message and then do that. And if we met in the real world under normal circumstances and you took my number but only know how to text rather than make a phone call, forget it. Before you send that text, ask that girl friend or co-worker how she would like to hear from you. Yeah, it requires a modicum of thought. But if you want to meet a normal girl, you have to actually act normal.