Well…you did it! You bullied your spineless congressional leader into raising the minimum wage from whatever it was in your state to $15.00 an hour. See, when you protest against something you get your way, forget about all those people promoting better productivity and quality in lieu of the rising cost of goods and services, they are just misunderstood. Well, now that (you) are part of the “2%”, yea, you read that right, (those rich people) who are considered the ‘1%’ are happy to welcome you into their higher tax bracket to relieve some of the tax burden on them and now the rest of us, the other 99% (us) will be expecting you to pick up the slack as well. What, you thought this was a raise without merit [having to do anything more than what you weren’t doing before], you ill-informed sign holding protester. Your blind ambition doesn’t even pass the laugh test.
Since you’ll be rolling in the dough now and blowing your nose with twenty dollar bills and since you’ll have all this discretionary money laying around the rest of us will expect you to pick up the check, in more ways than one. If I happen to know you and we got out to dinner with a bunch of friends just know that you’ll be picking up the bill, we’ll pitch in the tip, its the least we can do, in more ways than one. And, you need to start investing your proverbial lottery winnings, the rich do it all the time, that’s how they got rich, despite what you were told about how they are taking it from the poor people, you know, what you were before all this wealth italicized towards you. Live it up, double down, see how the rich people live.
Now, since the cost of you has gone up I’ll be expecting a lot more from you as an employee of said establishment. I don’t want to see a tattooed, face-pierced circus freak taking my order. I want the pretty people on the front line, you know, like a hostess, smile, make me feel like you want me there, I’ll overlook the fact that you make more than me and I’ll do my best to end this silly class war effort already in effect, you know, the one that you started. Also, I’ll expect my food to look like the advertised picture, in fact, I’ll expect it to be photographed and sent to me via a Poloroid picture while I wait, I hear those are making a comeback. Anyway, if it doesn’t look like the picture on the sign I’ll kindly refuse it since it will cost double now that you make so much more money and the cost of food has gone up as well while the quality of work has stayed the same.
I know what you are thinking, how could I be so rude, I mean, I’m just some guy who thinks that he should get more for his money, who am I? Well, I have a lawyer, he charges $120.00 an hour, when I sit down with him he doesn’t listen for free, I’m getting something for my money too, he’s always writing notes or having his Legal Secretary or Paralegal work on stuff for him, they don’t charge as much so that’s good. One question, would there still be some less paid employees hanging around, you know the one who just did their minimal jobs for the minimum amount and how can I tell the difference? Also, I have a friend who goes to the gentlemen’s club and he only takes $20.00 with him, all one dollar bills of course, he likes to “distribute his wealth” and those ladies I hear gravitate to him like magnets on a fridge. It’s a good thing since he’s putting all of them through medical school, wink, wink, are you going to further your education with the extra money you’ll be making? You don’t want to work the same job forever. Plus, it’s easier to pull yourself up with snake skin boot straps.
Also, I don’t know if you’ve thought past the nose on your face but, I’m guessing that you’ll probably have to prove you’re worth $15.00 an hour, I mean, I’m sure you are, I will just have to go with my own self-worth for now but I’m sure you’ll have to fight for the coveted position at [insert name of fast food place here] or you’ll be out of a job and I don’t think unemployment pays that sort of scratch. Plus, I hope you distance yourself from the president, he only thought you were worth $10.10 an hour, what a low baller. If I offended you then you probably don’t get the humor in this, if I’ve made you laugh then you’ve got a sense of humor.